Fairy Godmother Shukaku
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: Temari was rather fond of Shukaku, at least, she didn't have a problem with him until he decided she needs a boyfriend, and he's just the demon to find her one! [ShikamaruXTemariXItachi triangle, lime]
1. An Offer Temari Can't Refuse

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 1: An Offer Temari Can't Refuse

A/N: Yeah, yeah, I'm working on Twirlygigs, I promise. I just happened to finish this first. And if you can't use your fanfiction account to post bizarre crack stories like this, why bother to have a fanfiction account in the first place?

* * *

"Gaara's locked himself in the library."

"This house has a library?"

"Well, it does now."

"Oh. All right."

"I think maybe you should go talk to him."

"Or not."

"No, Temari, I _really_ think you should go talk to him."

"Ok, let me finish my tea."

"As in, I think you should go talk to him _now_."

Temari sighed. One hour. That was all she asked. One hour with no dead bodies, no emotional breakdowns, and no ripped-up teddy bears. Just one hour a day when she could sit and enjoy her tea. Was that so hard for them to do?

* * *

The "library" Kankuro had referred to turned out to be the pantry. She could see where he got the library from, though. Apparently Gaara had decided on a whim to spend the night rounding up every book in the house and arranging them on the shelves. (The food that had once been on the shelves she found later, under Gaara's bed.) An ornate Persian rug had been commandeered from the living room along with a nice leather chair and an antique desk, none of which really fit into the cramped, dim space that was the pantry.

"You're like family to me, Temari. Name your wish," the silhouette behind the desk said in a silky Italian accent.

"I want to get back to my tea," she responded automatically. "So hurry up and tell me what deep-seated psychological problem is causing this so I can work it out and go back to what I was doing."

The figure stood, saying, "Oops... how are we supposed to get out from behind this desk?"

"That's what I said when you told me to move it here in the first place," griped the figure to itself, in a much more Gaara-esque voice.

"Hmm," said the other voice thoughtfully, dropping the accent. "Ok, we're just going to have to climb. Toss the gourd over first, you won't need it, 'cause if Temari tries to kill you, I'm just gonna let her."

"Always good to know you're watching out for me."

It occurred to Temari that something was very wrong. She took a few steps back as the shadow jumped onto the desk. "Uh, Kankuro? Little help?"

The door opened behind her, shedding light onto the little pseudo-mafioso.

"Holy shiitake mushrooms on a stick!" gasped Kankuro.

Temari took a brief break from being shocked and frightened to stare at him. "All right, Robin the Boy Wonder."

"Now's not the time to ridicule my choice of expressions! We've got problems!"

Gaara nodded cautiously, almost knocking the problem off his head.

"Hey, watch it!" snapped the 'problem', which appeared to be a medium-sized raccoon made entirely out of sand, as it struggled to keep its balance. "And there's really no problem."

Temari and Kankuro turned immediately to Gaara to verify this. His expression indicated that there was, in fact, a very large problem, but he didn't dare say it aloud. "Uh, guys, this is Shukaku," he gulped by way of introduction.

"Are you sure?" Kankuro asked incredulously. His picture of Shukaku always involved a butt-ugly largish sand structure that resembled an animal only if you had an active imagination and sounded like a nails and a chalkboard caught in a wood chipper.

"Of course he's sure!" grinned the raccoon. "I've recently managed to free up a little of my chakra, and I decided to use it to help out my favorite person ever. Temari, I declare myself your fairy godfather."

Temari took a step back. "Whoa. No way. I mean, I'm flattered and all... I guess... but I've had enough trouble with my real godfather."

"You have a godfather?" Kankuro and Gaara asked in unison.

"Yeah, Uncle Yashamaru. Thus the lack of enthusiasm for the second one."

"Do I have one?" Kankuro asked.

"Yes. Baki-sensei."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You lucked out. He doesn't care _at all_, and that's the best type of guardian there is."

"What about me?" Gaara asked.

"Nope, sorry, kiddo. By the time you rolled around Mom and Dad were out of eligible friends and sick of the whole "responsible parent" thing anyway, so they just said, 'the hell with it, if all the rest of us manage to die, the kid's probably better off without us'. And what do you know, they were right! So... uh, Shukaku-sama, it's nice of you to offer and all, but I don't really need a fairy godfather."

"Of course you need one! All girls need fairy godparents!"

"She had one," Kankuro shrugged. "Uncle Yash'. He was about as big a fairy as they make 'em."

"Why don't you pick on- I mean, be Gaara's godfather. He needs one, and you two are stuck together anyway," Temari suggested timidly.

"Well, you see, Temari-san, I've been watching you ever since you were a little girl, and I've become rather fond of you. Kind of in love with you, in fact. But, it's one of those paternalistic kind of loves that old men are prone to, where they're more worried over the happiness of the object of affection than their own."

Temari began to edge for the door subtly.

"Therefore, I have decided to dedicate my spare time to finding you a Prince Charming."

"A Prince Charming?" Temari rolled her eyes, one hand on her hip. "Come on, if you insist on helping me out, why don't you do something useful?"

"I don't know, 'Mari," Kankuro said thoughtfully. "You could use a boyfriend."

"What? Why on earth would I need some stupid boy following me around hoping for sex?"

"It wouldn't hurt you to have someone to support you for a change," Shukaku added. "You isolate yourself too much. It's not healthy. Just give love a chance."

"'Give love a chance'? How gay is that?" Temari snapped. "I know where 'love' gets you. You marry some guy you think you love, and the next thing you know you're in an abusive relationship with this asshole you were so in love with, your brother starts cross-dressing, and you have a bunch of angry unhappy kids that you can't stand the sight of."

"And a daughter who has issues with personal relationships?" Gaara asked sarcastically.

"_I_ have issues with personal relationships? Excuse me, Mr. I-Love-Only-Myself? I did NOT just hear those words pass your lips!"

"He's right, though, Temari," Kankuro joined in. "You do avoid letting anyone, boys especially, get too close to you,"

"And now Laugh-To-Hide-The-Pain Kankuro joins in!" Temari exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "Why is it that if a girl doesn't want to spend her life fawning over some guy, she's automatically got "Issues"? Just because I want something besides a house and kids and a dog doesn't mean that I'm crazy!" she yelled, storming out of the pantry and slamming the door behind her, off to heat up her tea again and get back to her morning.

"I love your sister, Gaar-gaar," Shukaku muttered.

"I know you do, Shuka," Gaara sighed.

"I wish you two had talked to me first. I'd of told you she'd react like this," Kankuro admonished.

"I tried to warn him!" objected Gaara. "He just doesn't trust me."

"Our sister has this thing about men controlling her," Kankuro explained to the sandy deity on his brother's head. "Or helping her, or beating her at something, or liking her, or really, just with men in general. Maybe you should forget the whole fairy godfather thing. Not the overall scheme, mind you. I'm all for setting her up with someone, but if I was you, I'd become her fairy godmother. It shouldn't be too big of a leap, since you're already Gaara's mom and all."

Gaara winced. The biggest mistake of his life had been confiding in his siblings that for the longest time he had thought of Shukaku as his mother. It was a running joke among them that he had no ability to stop. Sort of like how in Konoha he was forever branded as "that kid who almost lost to Team Gai's comic relief character during the Chunin Exams".

"I like the way this kid thinks," Shukaku muttered. "Very well! Gaara! Take a memo! Dearest–,"


	2. Mail Order Dating

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter Two: Mail-Order Date

A/N: I forgot to mention, mad kudos to youkai-girl23 for the crazy-raccoon-on-head idea. For a much more funny rendition of Shuka's relation with Gaara, see The WalMart Adventure by youkai-girl23. You'll like it. Trust me. I'm a doctor.

* * *

_Dearest (note the sarcasm) Kyuubi,_

_What's up? Hey, I've got a favor to ask you..._

* * *

"Hey, guys!" Naruto exclaimed on day as he went to meet his teammates. "I got a letter that wasn't from a bill collector!"

"Wow, Naruto." Sakura rolled her eyes. "That makes my day that much brighter."

Sasuke sat off to the side, trying not to let his jealousy show.

"Hey, I'm going to open it, ok? You guys watching? I'm really going to open it! Watch, watch!"

"Just open the damn letter!" Sakura and Sasuke snapped.

Hands trembling with the nervous anticipation of the easily-amused, Naruto ripped open the envelope and scanned the letter.

_Oh God,_ the little voice inside his head laughed. _We HAVE to!_

"What do you think he wants with him?" Naruto asked aloud, ignoring his teammates, who already thought he was a schizophrenic anyway.

_I don't know, but it's bound to be hilarious._

"Or really gory..."

_Come on, Naru-chan, where's your sense of adventure?_

"I never said I wasn't going to help!"

_Ditch these guys, we've got a telegram to send._

* * *

"Hey! Gaara! You got a telegram!"

"What's a telegram?" Gaara asked, taking the paper from Kankuro. (Temari still wasn't speaking to him, or, more accurately, wasn't speaking to Shukaku, and Gaara had learned early on in life that this included him too.)

"I dunno. Some guy just delivered it," Kankuro shrugged.

"Very old fashioned of him. Typical. Damn kitsune..." Shukaku muttered to himself. Gaara was convinced that he was more than a little insane, but there wasn't much he could do about it. "Well, read it, boy! What are you waiting for?"

_Shukaku: things are fine here how about you STOP have considered your proposal and will do it STOP some arranging required expect delay two days max STOP will send boy asap STOP -- Kyuubi_

"Wait, what boy?" Kankuro asked, feeling he should be somewhat in the know during this affair.

"Your sister's One True Love," Shukaku grinned. "I pulled it off. Do I get a cookie?"

"They're all under my bed right now. I'll get you one later," Gaara sighed.

* * *

Kyuubi and Naruto were true to their word, and within a few days, a friendly FedEx man arrived with a tightly-sealed barrel labeled "Fragile".

"Hmm... how are we going to get this thing open?"

"Just be careful. We don't want to hurt him..."

"Oh, it's not like he's irreplaceable."

The barrel rocked a little.

"I've got the sledge hammer!"

The barrel rocked a lot in an alarmed sort of way.

THWACK!

Groan. "What's going on?" moaned the prisoner as he blinked weakly up at the strange, make-up covered faces around him (plus of course Shukaku, who had taken to wearing a black silk top-hat and didn't make anything less confusing to someone who had just come out of a barrel.)

"We're setting you up with our sister/goddaughter."

"Eragh?" asked the boy feebly, passing out.

"Humans are so weird," Shukaku muttered to himself.

* * *

Avoiding her Fairy Godmother had become a major career goal for Temari. So far she hadn't had a problem, since Gaara, Shukaku, and Kankuro were spending their time in the makeshift library, plotting and laughing manically, but she knew that any day now they would put their plans into action, and she was hiding out until then. Her spot of choice was the least used room in the house (and therefore the last place they would look for her): Gaara's bedroom.

She was in there, sitting on the carpet, eating some stale oreos she found under the bed, when the door opened, and in walked Shikamaru, decked out in a tux and with a large bandage on his forehead.

"What are you doing here?" she gasped.

"Sorry," Shikamaru turned red, as though aware how ridiculous he looked. "I was looking for the bedroom of the Short-Angry-Kid-Who-Almost-Lost-To-Rock-Lee. His pet sand sculpture said I could sleep there, and I thought he said the second door on the right."

"That's not what I meant," Temari said, a tick going in her eye. "Why are you here, in this house, at all?"

"Naruto and Ino drugged me and shipped me here and I'm not allowed to leave," Shikamaru shrugged. "Hey, can I have an oreo? I'm hungry."

Temari pushed the box towards him as she swept out the door yelling, "KANKURO! GAARA! Get your asses out here!"

The two boys in question filed into the hall, their faces perfectly innocent.

"Put him back where you found him," their sister growled. "Now."

"You heard the lady, Shika," Kankuro yelled at the door. "Back in the barrel."

"That's not what I mean!" Temari yelled.

"But that's where we found him," shrugged Gaara.

Temari pointed her finger at him, opened her mouth to yell, and found that she had no comeback. After a fruitless minute of glaring, she lowered her hand and walked away.

"I think she likes you," Shukaku grinned at Shikamaru, who was standing in the doorway, looking confused. "Now, for phase two."

"Can I leave now?" Shikamaru asked.

"No." snapped Kankuro, Gaara, and Shukaku. "We're not done with you!"

"Dating. What a drag," Shikamaru sighed, returning to Gaara's unused bedroom to collapse. He didn't know what substance Ino had put in his ramen, but he hoped that it never fell into the hands of an enemy village. That stuff was wicked.


	3. Under the Influence

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 3: Under the Influence

* * *

"Hey, yo! Listen up. Hey, I'm talking to you," snapped the fingers waving in front of Shikamaru's half-closed eyes. "Come on, stay focused here."

"You said I could sleep," moaned Shikamaru.

"You have been sleeping. For three hours, that's long enough. What?" Gaara asked as Shikamaru raised his hands unsteadily, finally planting them on Gaara's head and holding it in place.

"There," he (Shikamaru) murmured. "You were moving too much."

"Right, now, about Phase 2," Shukaku, still taking the form of a medium-sized raccoon, still wearing a black silk top hat, and still balanced on Gaara's head, began. Shikamaru jumped.

"Whoa! Where'd you come from?"

Kankuro, watching from the sidelines, made a mental note to look up Ino the Druggist the next time he was in Konoha.

"Nara Shikamaru," Certain his captive was awake, Shukaku brought back the faux-Italian accent he was so fond of, "we bring you here to ask of you a favor."

Shikamaru squinted at him. "You talk funny," he decided.

"Just shut up and listen to the raccoon," snapped Gaara. He was getting real sick real fast of having Shukaku on his head, and as there was nothing he could do about it, he was getting progressively more irritable.

"All right," shrugged Shikamaru. "You're the kid who almost lost to Rock Lee, I mean, the boss. You're the boss."

Kankuro laughed into his sleeve, but Gaara shot him a glare, and he stopped quickly.

"Anyway, this favor that we come to ask of you," Shukaku continued, "it has come to our attention that you have certain... feelings for my goddaughter."

"Wait, who?" Shikamaru asked.

"Temari. With the fan," Kankuro prompted. "He's asking if you like her."

"Oh... yeah, sure. Temari," Shikamaru nodded, still looking puzzled. "Wait, are we in Suna?"

"Yup."

"Holy hit! How the shell did I get here?"

Gaara, fed up with the drugged rambling of his sister's future Prince Charming, patted him on the head a little harder than was comforting. "Maybe we should leave him till he's sober."

"No, bad idea," Kankuro shook his head. "We want to hurry before this wears off and he starts trying to escape."

"Shikamaru-kun, we want that you and Temari should hook up."

"Well, obviously," Shikamaru muttered.

"So, we present this plan to you. Tonight, we will..."

* * *

After taking a minute to recover her composure, Temari acknowledged that Shikamaru was not at fault in this fiasco, rather, he was a victim, so she went to apologize on behalf of the entire Sand family. At least, on behalf of the ones who were still sane. Namely, Temari.

"Look, I'm really sorry about this," she sighed, sitting down next to him on the bed. "I'll try talking them into letting you go, although I can't make any promises. I don't have a whole lot of control over what Gaara does... pathetic for an older sister, I know, but that's how it is."

"Eh, don't worry about it," Shikamaru shrugged, smiling dopely at the stressed expression on Temari's face. The initial effect of the being shipped to Suna in a barrel while on heavy medication had worn off, and he was now experiencing a pleasant aftereffect. In fact, in this current state of mind, he had become considerably fond of his captors. After all, they were offering (an offer he couldn't refuse, but offering) to set him up with Temari. In Shikamaru's current state of mind, he was just realizing what a fine looking young woman she was.

"I don't know your last name, do I?" he asked. Temari shook her head, but offered no information on the subject. "It isn't Campbells, is it? Because you're cute."

Temari raised an eyebrow at him.

"That's not how that line goes, is it?" Shikamaru finally asked. Temari shook her head. "Are you angry?"

Once again, Temari shook her head "no", but there was a definite pause before she did. "You're still recovering and my little brothers are threatening you if you don't hit on me, so it's only to be expected."

"If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you sleep with me?"

Temari raised her eyebrow at him again.

"That isn't how that line goes, either, is it?" Shikamaru sighed. "Dammit."

Trying to remind herself that she wasn't going to be angry at this unfortunate captive, Temari patted his head (a little harder than was comforting) and told him to get some sleep. "Call me if you need anything."

"Are you an angel?" asked Shikamaru, staring at her infatuatedly. "Because I have an erection."

Temari slapped a hand against her forehead in disgust and left the room.

"I got that one wrong too, didn't I?" Shikamaru muttered, lying back down.


	4. All's Fair in Love and War

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 4: All's Fair in Love and War

A/N: I tried to edge Gaara back into character...with mixed success.

* * *

"We're making dinner tonight, ok, 'Mari?" Gaara asked rather timidly as he gently pushed open his sister's door. Last he heard, Temari had been in a bad temper. He had a sneaking suspicion that Shukaku hadn't been joking when he said he wouldn't defend against attacks from Temari, and Gaara knew for certain that in a temper Temari would not think twice about coming after him. Thankfully, she seemed in a good enough mood, motioning for him to enter her room. Gaara relaxed.

"When you say "we", she asked suspiciously, "You mean Kankuro, right?"

"Of course."

Temari exhaled gratefully. Shukaku and Gaara had obviously lost their collective minds, but at least they weren't so far gone as to forget that Gaara was Kitchen Impaired. "Well, that's very sweet of you three," she beamed. "Of course, I suppose it's the least you could do after drugging and kidnaping a Leaf Nin, but I appreciate the thought, anyway."

Gaara missed the thinly disguised malice behind her words as he crossed over to her closet and began to look through it.

"Uh, hey, Gaara?" Temari said nervously, standing as if about she wanted to start towards him and pull him back, "that's my stuff that you're kind of rooting through."

"What are you wearing to dinner tonight?" he asked, oblivious to the idea that she didn't want him in her closet.

Temari rolled her eyes. "Oh, I don't know. I was thinking a white dress with a knee-length skirt, long sleeves, maybe rolled up a little, wide collar with fishnet around it, you know, just to try something a little different."

Gaara looked over at his sister in her white dress with the knee-length skirt, long sleeves (which she rolled up to keep out of her way), and wide collar with black fishnet. This time, he caught the sarcasm. Not responding, he turned back to the closet and pulled out a semi-nice dress on a hanger. "How about this? It looks nice on you, and you don't wear it very much."

Exasperated, Temari rolled her eyes. "What on earth is the point of dressing up just to eat dinner in my _own house_?"

"We have company," Gaara explained.

"No, Gaara, we have a hostage. When the Hokage comes down here to negotiate Shikamaru's release, _then_ we will have company, and I will dress up."

Shukaku, strangely absent for this interlude, suddenly manifested himself on Gaara's head. "Aw, be a sport, Temari-chan," he pleaded, arranging his top hat. Temari crossed her arms and glared at him, obviously not happy with the honorific. "Try to show him your brothers aren't the best representative sample of Suna hospitality."

"But they are a representative sample of Suna hospitality," she snorted. "The people and officials of Sunagakure are horrible! We hate outsiders, we hate insiders, we even hate our own children, for crying out loud! There's a reason we aren't a popular tourist destination."

Gaara looked up (as best as he could) at his sandy companion as if to say, "She's got a good point."

"Well, then do it for poor old Shikamaru," Shukaku cajoled.

"Shikamaru Nara is nothing to me that I should dress up for his sake," snapped Temari, because when she's really fed up, she uses Western name order.

"I can't talk to her," Shukaku sighed, throwing up his stubby toy-raccoon arms in defeat. "You try, kid. She listens to you."

"Because she's afraid of _you_," hissed Gaara.

"Why shouldn't she listen?" Shukaku asked. "She knows you won't think twice about killing her."

With a small sigh unheard by anyone but Shukaku, Gaara donned his most cold-unfeeling-evil-ruthless look. "I think we'd all be _very_ happy if you dressed up," he growled pointedly.

"All of us but me, Gaary-baby, and if there's anything your extreme narcissism has taught me, it's look out for Number One," smirked Temari.

This statement had only one effect; to piss Gaara off. After all, he was still the Gaara that everybody knew and feared. The fact that he was now accompanied by an insane, comical-looking raccoon didn't give this mere mortal the right to talk to him like that!

"You're going to make me angry," he warned.

"If you don't get out of my closet, _you're_ going to make _me_ angry," Temari retorted. "So I guess we're even."

Gaara glared at her, and Temari realized instantly that she had crossed The Line. The Line of Gaara's Sanity. A fine one, and one that she had spent her life trying to stay on one side of. He reached for the cork in his gourd, and she threw up her hands in surrender.

"All right, all right, just joking around, Gaara," she soothed, taking the dress from him and retreating as far back as she could. "I'll wear the dress, ok?"

Gaara walked out without a word, and Temari collapsed on the bed. Taking a deep breath and wiping a sweat bead from her forehead, she looked at the garment in her hand. "Well, this has been one of our pettier arguments."

* * *

And so it was that Temari inched into the kitchen in a short, sleeveless, plain black dress. Other than that, the only wardrobe change had been to tie her headband around her forehead. It may not be much, but she felt she had to find some way to remind the world that even though she was wearing this ridiculous outfit, she was still a formidable ninja.

"You look very nice, Temari-chan," Shukaku felt it would be to the matchmakers' advantage to tell her. In response, Temari twitched so violently that Gaara became concerned that she would take a swing at him, and, still unsure if he was safe from Temari-related injury, opened a cabinet to put up a barrier between his sister and himself. He did this very suavely, as though he just happened to have an uncontrollable urge to check under the sink, and then dropped to the ground, as though he had seen a nickel. Gaara was very good at hiding fear and other such weak emotions.

Fortunately, they hadn't pushed Temari off the edge just yet. "Why, thank you, Shukaku-sama," she managed to say in a very strained voice. "But I wonder why I'm the only one with the courtesy to dress up." She, also very suavely, closed the cabinet with her foot, forcing Gaara to stand up so she could glare at him. "After all, we should show our guest some respect, right?"

"Oh, we," Kankuro started to explain casually, as rehearsed beforehand.

"Already ate?" Temari finished flatly. "Doesn't say a whole lot for this meal you're cooking, does it? I hope it's at least edible." Kankuro glared at her. There was nothing he hated more than having someone insult his ability to cook. After all, it was the one thing he could do that neither of his siblings could.

Under the pretext of grabbing something off the counter near her, he moved closer so he could talk without Gaara and Shukaku listening in. "That's it, Temari. Don't expect any mercy from me from here on out."

"I didn't realize you were showing any to begin with," she countered, walking out of the room.

* * *

Shikamaru was kneeling at the table in the dinning room, still wearing his tux and feeling exceedingly silly. The drug had worn off, leaving him in his usual state of apathy.

Temari walked in and kneeled across from him self-consciously, pulling her skirt down nervously. She rolled her eyes at the cheesy pop love songs playing softly in the background and made a vow to hunt down the CDs her brothers had found them on and destroy them before any more brain cells could fall victim to their reign of terror.

She next turned to Shikamaru with a wry smile, and he felt a sudden relapse coming on. His head started to swim, his palms began to sweat, his heart beat faster, his brain shut down, and he was suddenly more aware than ever how stupid his tuxedo looked. He opened his mouth, not sure what was going to come out of it.

"Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause... I want to have sex with you."

Temari's mouth dropped open. She could have sworn those drugs would have worn off by now.

Shikamaru winced. "I screwed that one up too.. I'm really sorry. I do know some funny pickup lines, they just never come out right."

Temari shook her head tiredly as though answering a question she had asked herself. "Look, just forget the pickup lines. I don't know what my brothers and that damn demon told you about my feelings on this situation. I'm sure they lied. I wasn't involved in this kidnaping, I'm not in the market for a boyfriend, and I had nothing to do with any of their schemes. I also realize that you, too, are just a pawn in their little game. So, don't worry about impressing me."

Shikamaru nodded agreeably.

"Don't think of this as a date," Temari continued, determined to make the best of things. "We're friends, right? We get along. Just think of it as going over to a friend's for dinner."

"Yeah," Shikamaru agreed. "A friend's." After her psychopathic little brothers kidnap you, but still, hanging out with a friend. An incredibly attractive friend, but still, hanging out with a friend.

It was at this moment that Kankuro emerged from the kitchen, carrying a single plate heaped with stir fry. "Sorry, we don't have any clean plates," he apologized smugly. Temari glared at him, then at the giggling figure in the doorway that was Gaara and Shukaku. She stood up.

"It was supposed to be your night to do the dishes, right, Kan-kun?" Temari asked coyly. "Well, I guess since you're going through all this trouble to make dinner it can be excused. I'll wash a few plates real quick. Be right back, Shikamaru."

"It's not that I mind doing them, but we're out of water, Temari," Kankuro replied with the same faux-sugary tone. Suna, it might be noted, did not have running water, because it is, after all, in the middle of a desert.

"I'll run down to the well. I could use the exercise," Temari shot back with a bright smile.

"All right," Kankuro agreed. "Hurry back."

Temari paused. What was the catch? Or, could it be, miracle of miracles, that they were going to let her win this one, tiny battle and not force her to share a plate with this guy? Did they realize that it was a little over the top and a little gross?

"Shikamaru and I will just sit tight and leaf through the family photo album or something," he called after her as she tried to walk away.

She winced. THAT was the catch. Cornered, she turned back around and walked over to her seat. "_This is blackmail,_" she hissed at her brother. "_When tonight is over, you are _so_ dead,_"

Kankuro grinned at her. "_That's what you think. I've got Gaara on my side for once, remember?_"

Temari clenched and unclenched her fists in frustration. A common characteristic of three-children families is that two are always ganging up on the third. Alliances in the Sand Siblings' family rearranged themselves according to situation, but whenever Temari and Kankuro had a dispute, they knew that whoever got Gaara on their side won automatically, no questions asked. Calling on that peculiar relationship between youngest and oldest, Temari was usually victorious. It had been so long since she had been the odd one out like this that she had forgotten how to defend herself.

"On second thought," she said aloud, formulating a plan, "it's a long walk on an empty stomach... But, it seems rude to Shikamaru-san," she turned to the kitchen. "Gaara-kun, do you mind getting some water, since you're not busy?"

"I don't want to be any trouble," Shikamaru said hastily, eyeing the food sitting before him. He hadn't eaten anything but Oreos since his drugged ramen God-knows-how-long-ago, and man, did that stir fry look good to him. "Sharing doesn't bother me."

"See, Temari, you over think things," Kankuro told her. "You're just two friends eating dinner, nothing formal. If it was a date or something, I could see freaking out, but for this, nah."

An invisible but very angry cloud was hovering above Temari's head as she picked up her chopsticks. "Guess you're right, Kan-kun. Thanks for making dinner," she said through gritted teeth.

"So..." Shikamaru said, trying yet again to get Temari involved in a conversation. "Your brother made this by himself?"

She nodded, narrowing her eyes at the food before her. "Yes. Please forgive him, he does try," she growled loudly enough for the boys eavesdropping in the other room to hear.

"I think it's pretty good," Shikamaru shrugged.

Temari leaned in to whisper, "Actually, it is. Really good, but I can't say that out loud, because I'm ticked at him right now and I refuse to compliment anything he ever tries to do ever again."

Shikamaru nodded thoughtfully at this. "I suppose that makes sense. A few weeks ago, I told Ino that no straight man has hair like Uchiha Sasuke's, and now I'm here, courtesy of her work with pharmaceuticals."

"Poor little blond chick," Temari laughed. "Denial is no way to go through life."

* * *

"See, it's working," Gaara said to his fellow conspirators. "They're talking and everything. Now, it's only a matter of time..."

"Now's your chance to say 'I told you so' in a really snotty voice," Shukaku reminded him. "That's what I would do."

"I'm not that kind of brat," Gaara said simply. "I'm just happy to watch my all-time favorite Disney movie prevail."

"I always liked Beauty and the Beast," Kankuro said, just because.

"I HATE that movie," Gaara muttered. "I remember you used to watch it all the time."

"Yeah, well, consider it my pay-back for all the times you made us watch Toy Story. That is the _creepiest_ movie I've ever seen."

"Will you two shut up?" Shukaku asked. "They've hit the noodles!"

Sure enough, Temari and Shikamaru, talking, laughing, and generally having a decent time, had reached the noodles that Chef Kankuro had slyly placed under the vegetables. Not paying attention to the food, both continued eating, slurping down the ramen-y substance, not noticing that the noodle they were in the process of eating ended in the other's mouth. As the Sand boys watched with bated breath, the pair moved closer and closer together.

"Any second now," Gaara whispered.

Shikamaru and Temari were heading towards impact, their lips just about to touch, when Temari pulled out a kunai and cut the noodle in half. Ignoring the slightly-disappointed expression on Shikamaru's face, she finished her half and resumed eating._ Nice try boys._

* * *

"Do you all want to watch a movie or something?" Temari asked after dinner before her brothers had the chance to suggest something worse.

"Yeah, sure," shrugged Shikamaru.

Kankuro, Gaara, and Shukaku exchanged glances that clearly said "somebody suggest a romantic comedy". Temari caught the glance and made a preemptive strike.

"Do we still have Beauty and the Beast?"

Gaara growled, but Shukaku clocked him on the head, hissing, _"Hey, she actually _wants_ a cheesy fairy tale! Don't fight it!_"

"That's it, Temari," Gaara whispered while helping her set up the old VCR. "Don't expect any mercy from me from here on out."

"Gaara, I didn't know you knew what mercy meant."

Of course, the satisfaction of having gotten back at her little brothers was slightly tainted by having to watch an old Disney movie with Shikamaru. Temari, who was rather fond of Shikamaru last time she met him, worried that the drugs had messed with his brain, because he kept trying to put his arm over her shoulder during the movie. However, she felt she had accomplished enough, and, aside from shrugging him off every few minutes, made no move to stop this behavior.


	5. Quiet Time? Don't Make Me Laugh

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 5: Quiet Time? Don't Make Me Laugh.

A/N: Introducing KalliopeStarmist's all-time favorite, and sadly unpopular, Naruto pairing.

* * *

Just after dawn the next morning, Temari got up, slipped on a long tan cloak, pulled the hood up over her face, and grabbed the water jar from the kitchen. She was just to the front door when Shikamaru stumbled down the stairs, suspiciously like he had been pushed.

"Good morning," he greeted. Temari nodded politely. "What's with the get-up?"

"I'm going to get water. If you haven't noticed, it's very sandy out there, and it's healthiest to wear some protection."

"Mind if I join you?" Shikamaru asked. Temari glared at him, then remembered that he was under severe pressure from Gaara, Shukaku, and Kankuro. She nodded, grabbing Kankuro's cloak off the hall rack and handing it to him.

"Here, you'll want to look as little like a foreigner as possible... although, I am glad they gave your clothes back. The tux was a bit much."

"Tell me about it," Shikamaru laughed as they began their walk. "These things are harder to move in than you make it look," he commented.

"Oh, you get used to it. And most people here don't wear them unless there's a storm. I just do because... well, I just do." _I just do because once in a while it's nice not to have people recognize you right away. Especially if you're walking next to a strange boy from Leaf. That's how the wild rumors get started._

* * *

Ironically, not too long after this thought crossed her mind, they came to the well, and when leaving it with the filled jar, Shikamaru did that one thing, the Queen Mother of Rumor Starters.

"Can I carry that for you?" he asked Temari, trying to take the water vessel from her. She almost died of shame on the spot, glancing around anxiously to make sure he hadn't been overheard. Suna/Wind had a very distinctive culture, full of rules of etiquette and customs that may have seemed odd to outsiders, but made perfect sense to its citizens.

One of those little customs dictated that, when a young man is walking down to the well with his sweetheart, the polite thing to do is to carry the water home for her. It was a favor reserved only for couples (or something very romantic to do for someone you had a crush on), not something that you volunteered to do for a friend. Add to this Temari's dislike for seeming dependent on men, and Shikamaru had himself a losing suggestion.

"That's ok, Shikamaru. I've got it."

"Are you sure? I don't mind,"

"No! It's ok. Thank you." She glanced at him sideways, trying to decide if he was just trying to do what would be the polite thing in Konoha, or if Kankuro, Gaara, or Shukaku had gotten to him and suggested that it would be real sweet of him to offer.

"Must be a real drag, having to do this everyday," Shikamaru noted when he realized the proposal was a flop.

"Yeah, it is. But, hey, it has to be done."

"Don't Gaara and Kankuro help?"

"Kankuro, yeah, Gaara, no. He's such a runt, I'd worry that he'd snap in half if he tripped carrying this or something. Not to mention, it's not fair to make him carry this and his gourd four blocks and back everyday."

"He can't leave it at home? Isn't there enough sand around here to protect him?"

Temari smiled. "So, you know why he needs it, huh? Nah, he has to have it, or Shukaku would _flip out_. He's real overprotective of the little squirt, like one of those mothers who make their kids wear helmets on the playground. It's actually very funny, because they really hate one another."

"So I gathered."

"Tell me, Shikamaru, do you think my family's odd at all?" Temari asked, laughing, as they walked up the steps to her house.

"Odd is relative. They can't be too bad. You're one of them, and you're not odd. You're wonderful."

Once again, Temari glanced at him sideways. "I don't think that you know me all that well, if that's what you think."

Shikamaru shrugged. "I-AK!"

Temari turned around, but her companion had mysteriously vanished. To a girl used to having her little brothers disappear without a trace in the middle of conversations, this wasn't a problem. She had been wondering how she was going to get rid of him, anyway. It was time for her tea.

* * *

She was watching the water carefully, waiting for it to get to that critical stage when it is just on the verge of boiling, the perfect time to add it to the leaves to achieve the fullest flavor, when Kankuro walked through.

"Good morning."

"'Morning, Kan-kun."

"Where's Shikamaru?"

"Don't know, don't care," Temari shrugged without looking up. "Maybe he escaped and set off for Konoha."

"I doubt that. He's probably hoping to join you for breakfast."

"I sure hope he doesn't have his heart set on it. Because breakfast is my time alone."

"Well, maybe the guy wants to spend some time alone."

Temari looked up to glare at him. "Listen, Kankuro, NOBODY messes with my alone time. Nobody."

"Not even your One True Love?" Shukaku, always a little clueless, asked as he and Gaara appeared in the kitchen.

"DON'T CALL HIM THAT!" Temari yelled, but suddenly remembered that this was the person... er... demon she was interested in not ticking off. "I mean, um, please don't ever use that phrase again in my hearing."

"Alone time isn't healthy for you, Temari," Gaara decided. "You use it to isolate yourself."

"I do NOT isolate myself. All I do is have tea!"

"Then surely you don't mind if Shikamaru-kun joins you."

"I DO mind."

"What do you have against him?" Kankuro asked.

"Nothing, I just need my space."

"See, there you go again, just like we said. You can't even be on friendly terms with a boy without needing your space."

Temari stretched her fingers like she wanted to strangle him, but Gaara stopped her.

"Temari, your water's boiling."

Temari turned back to the stove, where her pot of water was bubbling over. She groaned, thinking of how close she had been to her daily cup of Perfect Tea.

Gaara and Shukaku vanished again, saying, "we'll go tell Shikamaru that the tea's ready."

"YOU'LL DO NO SUCH THING!" shouted Temari after them, not that they heard. She stomped to the hall rack, grabbed her fan rather than her cloak (being in the mood to beat on someone rather than hide from them) and left.

* * *

_They can force me into little black dresses, they can make me share plates, they can even send him after water with me, but those little brats are not taking away my Quiet Time_, she thought as she walked down the street angrily. _I reserve the right to keep my sanity._

In this tea-and-rest deprived state, Temari decided she had nothing left to lose, and threw her relaxation to the four winds. She went to a coffee shop.

Unbeknownst to poor little sheltered Temari, who always had tea in the house, Starbucks mid-morning was a busy, confusing place.

Her nerves frayed to the limit by standing in line for half an hour, she stepped up to the counter, still unsure how the menu worked. "One... "grandy"... that is the largest size, right? tea,"

The man behind her shoved his way past her. "A grande Vanilla Almond hot tea," he told the cashier pushily.

"Hey, EXCUSE ME!" Temari yelled, only to be ignored. Glowering, she whacked him out of the way with the butt of her fan and stepped up to the counter once more. "A _grande_ tea, now!" she commanded, emphasizing the word she heard her rival use.

"Hey, wait your turn, kid!" he snapped, once again trying to push her out of the way. Temari rounded on him.

"Do you know who I am?" she challenged, drawing herself up proudly.

"Yeah, a bitch with a fan," he snarled back.

Temari glared katanas at him, noting the headband. _Typical Leaf punk._ She was developing a dislike for the whole race. "Yeah, well this bitch is about to blow you away!" she yelled, trying to make room in the crowded line to open her fan.

"Watch yourself. It'd be a shame to see you get hurt because you picked the wrong shinobi to mess with," he laughed scornfully.

"HA!" snorted Temari, with equal scorn. "Since when has a freak in need of Visine been the wrong shinobi to mess with?"

From somewhere within the depths of the line, a girl about Temari's age laughed quietly. "Temari, your little brother being what he is, you shouldn't be calling anyone a freak. Especially not anyone cute as this guy."

The girl was a former schoolmate of Temari's, and one of her biggest rivals. She had said this remark loudly enough for those around her to hear, hoping it wouldn't be loud enough to reach Temari's ear.

Unfortunately for the girl, Temari did hear. "Yumi-san," she whispered in a dangerous growl, walking back towards the girl. The crowd, most of whom knew Temari, moved aside to let her through. "How many times do I have to tell you to never," Temari, now with plenty of space, opened one third of her fan, revealing the first purple circle. "_Ever_," Shwop. Two-thirds. "_EVER_," Three thirds, fully open and Yumi was sweating. "**_Call Gaara a freak in front of me?!_**" she shrieked.

With a yelp like a trapped rabbit, Yumi broke out of her terror-induced paralysis and bolted for the door a split second before Temari could bring her fan down on the head of her old archenemy.

Temari sprinted out the door after her, screaming, "yeah, girl, you'd better run!"

The man who had begun this whole exchange stared after them, his hurry for his tea forgotten, his expression unreadable. However, he was the only one. The other Sunese Starbucks goers had already forgotten the incident.

"Hey!" one of them yelled. "Either hurry up and order, or get the hell out of the way!"

The man glared at the rude customer, an unsettling expression that quickly shut everyone up, but turned to the cashier anyway. "Excuse me, could I change my order a bit?" he asked, pulling a money purse out of his long black coat.

* * *

Temari returned fifteen minutes later, feeling a good deal less stressed. This started to change when she realized she had forfeited her place in line.

"Goddamn Yumi," she muttered, going to take her place at the end of the line. She was just stepping into the queue when the red-eyed Leaf freak from earlier stepped in front of her.

"Do you want to sit down?" he suggested, handing her a large (or grande, whatever) tea.

Temari couldn't think of a single instance where she had been more grateful to a man.

"So," Temari asked as she sipped her tea in a corner of the café. "How many roofies did you slip in here?"

The stranger smiled. It wasn't exactly a happy smile, Temari thought. It was a little dark, like its owner had a bittersweet, twisted sense of humor. But, when he replied, he was laughing. Maybe he wasn't as moody as he looked. "I'm afraid I'm fresh out of date-rape drugs."

"Is that what you're doing in Suna, Leafer?" Temari asked with a grin, "Stocking up on your supply of illegal meds?"

"No, I'm just spying for my village, checking out the strength of the local coffee shops so we'll know where we can get good muffins when we invade."

"Well, far be it from me to let an enemy army starve while attacking my homeland," Temari said. "You want to go get some dinner tonight?"

"You sound about as loyal to your home as I am to mine," laughed the man.

"I despise patriotism. It is the veneration of real estate above principles," Temari explained, not bothering to remember where she had heard this quotation. "Not to mention, I need to get as far away from my house as often as possible."

"Home trouble?" he asked sympathetically.

"You have no idea."

"Try me."

Temari grinned. "You keep talking like that, and I actually will," she warned. "You might want to watch your step."

"Now you've got me interested," he said with a wink. "So, dinner, then?"

"Of course. I still want to know what you're doing so far from home, remember. Meet me out here 6:30, and we'll see who gets their answer first?"

"Sounds like a plan," he nodded agreeably, offering his hand.

Temari shook it. "I'm Temari, by the way."

"Itachi. Uchiha Itachi."


	6. At Temita's TexMex Bar and Grille

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 6: At Temita's Tex-Mex Bar and Grille

A/N: A lot of dialogue. Sorry, I just like romances where they fall in love because they have something in common to talk about better than ones that are just "say, I've noticed that you're attractive." "Funny, that. I've also noticed that you are attractive. Perhaps we should have sex."

Some of the conversation in here is based on when one of my friends and I went to a Mexican restaurant. He plays the part of Temari, me of Itachi in the conversations about food.

* * *

"Are you making dinner again tonight, Kankuro?" Temari asked innocently as six o'clock rolled around.

Kankuro laughed. "Of course not. Two nights in a row, are you kidding me? We're ordering a pizza or something."

"You know, I make dinner every ni—," she started indignantly, but gained control once more. "All righty, then. Pizza sounds good. Where's Gaara and Shikamaru-kun?"

"I'm right here," Gaara said from behind her. Temari didn't show any surprise, she just turned to her brother and his pet raccoon with an almost-sincere smile.

"Oh, hello!"

"And Shikamaru is sleeping."

"Still?" Temari asked. "God, that kid is lazy. It's like having another Kankuro in the house or something."

"Come on, Temari-san, you know you love him," Shukaku threw in mischievously.

Temari just rolled her eyes, still grinning. "Well, I'm going to change for dinner... any requests? The little black number, the purple velvet, a prom dress?"

"It's just pizza, Temari," Kankuro said, apparently missing the sarcasm.

"Wear something casual, but nice," Gaara suggested, although how he had become the official fashion advisor was a mystery. Temari nodded and skipped off to her room.

"Wow, that quiet time really did do her good," Kankuro said in awe. "She's been all happy and easygoing like this all day... Starbucks doesn't have opium tea, does it?"

"I think she just needed some time to process," Shukaku concluded. "And she realized that she and Shikamaru are, in fact, meant to be."

Gaara rolled his eyes without Shukaku noticing.

* * *

"Hmm... casual equals what I always wear, nice equals clean," Temari said to herself. "Well, what do you know! I'm already wearing something casual but nice. Guess I followed your orders, right, Gaara? Shame you forgot to tell me to eat dinner with you guys."

Laughing quietly, she held her fan out the window to catch the wind, ready to jump on her multi-purpose weapon and fly down to Starbucks to meet up with Itachi.

* * *

Itachi tapped his foot impatiently, feeling a little foolish just to be standing in front of a coffee shop waiting for some girl he met this morning. Itachi didn't do "dating". He just... didn't.

He checked his hair in the reflection off the storefront window and there caught sight of the odd figure descending from the air right behind him. He turned around.

Temari leapt off her fan a foot from the ground and folded it neatly as she landed. "Sorry I'm late," she said nonchalantly.

"No problem," Itachi managed with equal suavity. "So, are you Mary Poppin's reincarnation?"

Temari laughed and began a witty reply, but stumbled forward a few steps before she could say it. Itachi stepped forward automatically, grabbing her arm to steady her.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she assured him, shrugging off his hand. "It just takes a lot of chakra to get from my house to here."

"You'd better sit down, then. Is there a restaurant nearby we could go to?"

"Um... Temita's is down the block. It's pretty good. My brothers and I go there sometimes when we don't feel like cooking."

"You have brothers?" Itachi asked as they walked along.

"I do, indeed."

"The plot thickens. Do they have names?"

Temari smiled. "Yes. Names and ages and all the trappings."

"I feel like I'm playing twenty questions. Is this the place?" he changed the subject abruptly, opening the door of an establishment that a bright neon sign proclaimed to be _Temita's Tex-Mex Bar and Grille. _"What is Tex-Mex, anyway?"

"Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable?" Temari asked. "Two, please," she added, for the benefit of the waiter. "It's actually a type of ethnic food, although nobody can really put their finger on what ethnicity it comes from."

"What?" Itachi asked, confused.

Temari shrugged as she sat down at their table, which was located under a nice faux-stucco arch with a mural on the wall next to them. She wasn't concerned with how Tex-Mex came into being. It was just another part of Suna, like sand and face paint and being angry. "You've never eaten Mexican?"

Itachi, who had given up on figuring out the origins of his food and was perusing his menu, looked up sharply. "Wait, what's Mexican?"

Temari laughed at the bewildered man across from her. "It's just another term for Tex-Mex, sort of higher class," she explained. "Here, let me give you a tip." She leaned in closer so the waiters and nearby patrons couldn't hear her. "It's all pretty much the same ingredients, only arranged slightly differently. It's all good, you can't really go wrong."

"Oh...well, that makes it easy. So, back to our earlier conversation. Tell me about yourself."

Temari tapped her lower lip thoughtfully. "My name's Temari,"

"So I gathered,"

"I'm from Sunagakure,"

"Really, now?"

"I need my morning tea to function."

"Understandable,"

"I don't usually ask guys I meet in coffee shops out to dinner. In fact, I don't usually talk to guys, or to girls, or to anybody outside my immediate family."

"I'm highly honored."

"And I hate losing."

"Remind me never to challenge you to anything," Itachi said. "The competition would strain me too much."

Temari laughed. "I'm done. Your turn, now."

"All right. My name's Itachi."

"Is it?"

"I'm from Konohagakure, but I avoid home as much as possible."

"Perfectly reasonable."

"I don't date, usually, but I do have some friends. They would all get a laugh out of me being here with you."

"Are any of them in town with you?"

"No, I'm alone. My partner's not big on the desert... he likes to have some water around. He's a fish."

Temari laughed, assuming he was joking. "So, you're here on a mission?"

"Yes, but it's nothing important. I was sent to look for something, but it seems to have changed locations, if it was here at all. We were just following up on a lead. But, enough about work. Tell me about... your mother."

"She's dead."

"Oh..." He didn't say "I'm sorry" or offer any sympathies; Temari appreciated that. "What about your father?"

"That's a whole 'nother can of worms. Let's just say we're estranged."

"Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents?"

"One uncle, also dead. It's just me and my little brothers."

"So, you're the oldest?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's a lot of responsibility. How long have you been taking care of them?"

"I dunno, as long as I can remember. Look, I really can't stand my family right now, can we talk about something else?"

"Sure. Sorry, I didn't mean to grill you like that."

"No, it's fine. I love my brothers, I just wish they would be a little more grateful once in a while. But, what about you? What's your family like?"

Itachi shrugged. "Well, the only family I have left is my little brother... actually, I have a picture of him, do you want to see?"

"Sure," Temari said as Itachi pulled out his wallet and unfolded a few feet worth of pictures of what appeared to be a baby version of Itachi. "Aw, he looks just like you!"

"Isn't he sweet? Here's one of me and him playing Go... well, of me trying to teach him Go and him chewing on the pieces... maybe he was a little too young."

"That's so cute!" Temari exclaimed. Itachi supposed it was because she didn't know the whole story, but she was the first person who had actually thought his photo collection was cute instead of weird. "You two look so adorable... None of us were cute babies. We all looked kind of funky. Maybe that's why our parents never loved us,"

"Oh stop it, you're exaggerating. Um, I'll have the enchiladas suizas, please," he said to the waiter, handing in his menu.

"I'm really not," Temari sighed. "Chicken quesadillas for me, please, and hold the sour cream. My parents really did despise-,"

"Oh, I believe that they hated you, I just bet you were an adorable kid."

Temari sighed. "I'm not so sure about that, but nice of you to say so."

Itachi sensed that his new acquaintance really wanted to vent about her family, but was avoiding it, not because of him, just because she wanted to enjoy being away. However, he didn't see why she shouldn't be able to do both. "So, back to twenty questions, your brothers."

"What do you want to know?"

"Are they ninjas like their big sister?"

"Yes."

"And are they even half as good as her?"

"Better, for your information."

"You're being modest."

"I'm not a modest person," Temari informed him with a dry grin. "Any more questions about our military strength? You're starting to make me suspicious. Are you sure that you're not planning an invasion?"

"I already told you I was. We've gone too long without decent pastries. We're taking your coffee shops out by force."

"I've been to Konoha, you've got some decent bakeries."

"Yes, but I've also told you that I don't live in Konoha."

"That's right. Very well, continue."

"You have a cell, right? Do you get along with your cellmates?"

Temari laughed hysterically. "As well as I get along with my brothers."

"I don't know if Suna does this, but in Konoha it's usually one kunoichi and two guys, which usually leads to a lot of sexual tension. I don't suppose I'll be making anyone jealous by being here with you?"

Temari laughed again. "If anyone on my team was jealous, I'd never speak to them again."

"You're pretty cruel, you know that?"

"My brothers _are_ my team."

"Oh." Itachi blinked. "You weren't joking when you said you don't talk to anyone outside your family. Is your father your sensei or something?"

"Ha, NO! We don't talk about my father. And we don't have a sensei. No one will get within twenty yards of us."

"Wow. Is your family cursed or something?"

"My brother is..." Temari sized up Itachi thoughtfully. She had a good feeling about him, and she usually went with her gut, but she had also learned to treat people with caution. No telling how people could react. And, it had been so long since she'd had someone to talk to like this, someone who didn't judge her on her family. "He's a little weird. It freaks people out."

Itachi shook his head. "That sucks. Not like you can help it."

"He can't even help it, the poor kid. He's just a little off-center. Oh, food's here!" Temari and Itachi paused to start on their food.

"Ah, they never hold the sour cream," Temari sighed. "I ask them every time... sometimes I think they do it to spite me."

"Do you want me to complain?"

"I can complain for myself, thank you very much! I just don't. I come here way too often to be a troublemaker."

Itachi chuckled. Temari looked at him quizzically. "You just don't strike me as the type to put up with sour cream on your quesadillas. You seem very strong-willed."

"You don't have to be outspoken to be strong-willed," Temari said. "If I was outspoken, I don't think I could survive my family. How are your enchiladas?"

"Excellent, as a matter of fact."

So, the two of them continued talking, and, with a little cajoling and a lot of talk about uninteresting topics, Temari did go through a little rant about her family; just an overview. She didn't want to go into some of the details, but, if they didn't interest Temari, they didn't interest Itachi much, either.

* * *

"Y'know, I've never got dessert here before," Temari mused, picking up the little menu next to the salt and pepper shakers. "You up for splitting a fried ice cream?"

"That depends," Itachi pulled out his wallet. "Are you paying for it?"

"Um..." Temari followed suit and pulled out a purse. "I will if I have enough."

"Ok, because I only brought enough to pay for my dinner..."

Temari began rooting through her bag. "Well, if I can't afford it, I'm not paying."

"Well, I _can't _afford it, so obviously I'm not paying."

"Then neither of us will get ice cream!" Temari declared, slamming her hand against the table. "Oh, wait. Here's a twenty. Ok, I can pay."

* * *

"I'm glad you found that twenty," Itachi said as he and Temari walked down the street after dinner, stuffed and content. "I usually don't like fried ice cream, but that was great."

"Yeah," Temari stopped. "The next street down is mine."

"Oh... I'm still a few farther on. Do you want me to walk you home or anything?"

Temari sighed and stopped walking. "I would love it... I'd love to ask you in, too, but... I haven't been totally honest. I'm trying to get away from home because my little brothers and the family pet have been trying to set me up with this guy."

"The family pet?"

"Yeah, he's a little more intelligent than your average border collie... just a little. Anyway, this guy is really head-over-heels for me, the poor sap, and... Gaa... I just don't want to deal with introducing you until I can get them off this "Temari's One True Love" deal."

Itachi nodded. "I understand... but, I'll still see you again, right?"

"Of course!" Temari said earnestly, leaning forward. She checked herself. "You know what's funny? I asked you out tonight so I could get away from someone trying to make me fall in love with him... and I end up falling for you instead. And if that freaks you out and makes you dump me, it's probably for the best."

"No such luck. I'm falling for you, myself."

Temari nodded, then grabbed his hand and turned to face him. "Itachi, listen, I like you a lot... but if you're looking for someone who will devote their life to you, I'm not your girl. My parents were like that... they loved each other more than anything else in this world, so much there wasn't any room for their children, so much that my mother would die for my father, so much that my father stopped smiling the day my mother died. I can't stand that kind of thing. It's unnatural to hold that kind of power over another human being."

"I understand. Power is one thing in battle, in a relationship, it's different. I do believe you are the first girl your age I've ever met whose ideal soulmate wasn't totally enamored of her," Itachi said seriously. "I didn't believe someone like you existed."

Temari had never met a boy who felt the same way she did. Of course, neither Temari nor Itachi talked frequently to members of the opposite sex, but they could still tell that in each other they had found a rarity. Temari put her hands against his shoulders, stretching upwards to kiss him while pushing him back against the wall.

Itachi was all for this development. He grabbed Temari's shoulders, leaning forward and pulling her closer at the same time.

Somewhere in the city, a bell tolled ten o'clock. Temari started, pulling away.

"Criminy, it's late. My brothers will get worried."

"Do you have to go?"

Temari pecked him on the cheek in response and skipped off down her street, calling out, "Meet me at Starbucks tomorrow morning, ok? You still haven't told me anything about yourself, remember?"


	7. Misogynist

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 7: Misogynist

A/N: Deidara's purpose in this story is to give Kisame someone to talk to, and he is not intended to be in or out of character. He's simply there: DeidaratheguythatKisametalksto. Because, honestly, I never pay much attention to the Akatsuki. (The rest of them do make a few brief cameo appearances, especially Tobe, and what applies to Deidara applies to all of them as well; chronological accuracy is not an object. The story _is_ pre-time jump.)

WARNING: As you may have noticed, I've upped the rating on this story to T, and I intend to make it a lime (translated: Implied sexual activity). _Nothing_ graphic, but thought I'd give you a heads up.

* * *

Itachi got into his room just as the phone starting ringing.

"Hello," chirped a pre-recorded woman. "Will you accept a collect call from—,"

"Kisame."

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Yes." The Akatsuki had developed a very good way of keeping down overhead costs by checking into a room, running up the phone bill, and then skipping out on the tab.

"Hey, Itachi. Where've you been? I've been trying to call you all night. You didn't find _it_, did you?"

"No, I was just out."

"For four hours?"

"I was talking to someone."

Kisame snorted. "From Sand? Nobody there has an IQ." Kisame believed very fervently that the closer to a body of water a population lived, the higher the average intelligence.

"She does," Itachi sighed in a dreamy sort of way.

"Whoa, _she_? You talked to a girl? Infamous woman-hater Uchiha Itachi spent four hours talking to a woman?"

"Yes. And, she was amazing. Just amazing."

"You in love with her or something?"

"What if I am? Kisame-san, I've never met anyone like her. She-, she-,"

"Does she remind you of Sasuke-kun, by any chance?" Kisame asked suspiciously. His interest was more than casual. He had a bet going with Deidara on the type of person Itachi would finally fall for.

"No, not Sasuke-chan. More like... like,"

"Your mother?"

"NO! Not my mom. God, what is with you? She's not like anyone I've ever met."

"Your mother or your new girlfriend?"

"My girlfriend... since when have I talked about my mom on a regular basis?"

"So, this chick, is she hot?"

"Very attractive, however, unlike you, I think there are more important factors in a relationship than physical attraction."

"Which is why everyone thinks you're gay. That, and you paint your nails."

"I know lots of straight guys who paint their nails!"

"Deidara isn't what I call— OW!"

"Did he just throw something at you?"

"Yeah... "he". So, your girl, back to the subject."

This proved to be a mistake on Kisame's part. One that could devastate the Collect Call industry easily, since the phone bill wasn't going to be paid.

* * *

"Where were you, Temari?"

"Out."

"Your pizza got cold," Kankuro informed her.

"Oh, did you order pizza for me? Shame you forgot to invite me."

"Why should we have invited you to eat dinner in your own home?"

"Yeah, especially since we had to pay the delivery guy with your money," Shikamaru added. Kankuro and Gaara winced.

"You stole my money to order pizza?" Temari asked icily.

"Well, uh, we,"

"I'm glad to know you can think without my being there to supervise. Good job, boys."

"She's on drugs. Temari is on drugs." Shukaku said to himself. "Gaara, you finally drove her over the edge. I've always said that you cause her too much stress, and look. Now your sister is on dope, and it's your fault."

Gaara glared upwards. "How is it my fault that you've tormented her until she took this step?"

"I have not been tormenting her! I've been trying to compensate for the fact that my host body has destroyed her life."

"I haven't destroyed—,"

"I'm not on drugs!" Temari interrupted. "I'm sorry about the pizza. I'll have some for breakfast tomorrow, ok? Will that make it better?"

"It may take care of the leftovers," Kankuro said dramatically, "but it will never fill the hole in Shikamaru's heart."

"Uh," Shikamaru said, turning red, "It's not a big deal or anything, I mean,"

"Good," Temari said with a bright smile. "Well, goodnight, all! I'm rather tired."

* * *

Kisame stared blankly out the window and watched the sun rise, occasionally making "uh-huh"'s or "imagine that"'s to make Itachi think he was still listening.

"Is he still going on?" Deidara asked, poking his head into Kisame's room. Kisame nodded, and mouthed "send help" at his comrade. Deidara took the phone from him.

"Hey, Itachi."

"Oh, hello. I was just telling Kisame about—,"

"This girl that you met, yeah. Hey, how long was your date with her?"

"Oh, I don't know. Not long enough... only four hours or so."

"Ah. That means that you've spent about twice as much time telling Kisame about her as you've actually spent talking to her."

Itachi gasped on the other end. "Oh no, what time is it? Look, I'd love to chat with you guys some more, but I have to hurry, I'll be late." And he hung up.

Deidara threw the phone at Kisame, who had collapsed, snoring, on the bed. "You owe me one."

* * *

"Sorry I'm late," Itachi apologized suavely, sitting down across from Temari in a secluded little corner of Starbucks.

Temari smiled and pushed a cup of tea towards him. "Don't worry about it."

"How did you get by your One True Love?"

"Oh, he won't wake up until noon," Temari laughed, "Neither will my brother, and the other brother is busy plotting against me and my freedom, so they probably won't notice I'm gone until dinner... But I do need to be back for that, I can't get away with skipping it twice."

"Temari, listen, if this guy of yours ... _tries_ anything with you,"

"Don't worry, he wouldn't dare."

"But if he does, I'll take care of him for you, got it?"

"You're so sweet, Itachi," Temari cooed, pinching his cheek playfully. "It really is a shame I don't trust you. Leaf nins' sincerity is highly suspect."

"Then it should relieve you to know that I'm not technically a ninja of Hidden Leaf," Itachi told her, fingering the deep groove in his headband. "Konoha and I severed ties long ago. I'm nothing but a wandering missing ninja."

"Ooh, really?" Temari leaned in with relish, her eyes sparkling. "What were you kicked out for? Plotting against the Hokage, leaking clan secrets to the enemy, selling pirated DVDs on the street,"

"No," Itachi dropped his gaze and became very interested in his tea, the topic obviously bringing up memories he no longer wanted to recall. "Nothing like that. It was merely... a foolish childhood mistake that went too far."

Temari sipped her own tea, toyed with her biscotti, and let the silence pass. If she could keep her family's skeletons a secret from Itachi, surely Itachi had the right to keep secrets from her. "What are you doing out here?" she asked. "Hiding?"

"Oh, no, I was telling the truth earlier, I was sent to look for something that isn't here... you see, when I left Konoha, I joined up with a... secret society of others in my, er, _situation_. We basically just hang out, but we do have a mission, although don't ask me what it is."

"That top-secret, huh?"

"No, I just have no real idea what we're trying to accomplish. Our leader does send us on missions occasionally... which usually turn out like this one."

"Waste of time?"

"I was going to say finding something better," Itachi said, his romantic line stepped on terminally. "But you're right, we just waste a lot of time."

"And your little brother," Temari asked cheerfully, "how does he get along with your group? Do they think he's adorable? Does he ever miss his hometown?"

Itachi stared at her for a second, confused. His brother... what did he have to do with anything? And then he realized, for Temari, the most natural thing in the world would be to take your brother along when you left your village to join a group of outlaws. "No," he corrected her, "He still lives in Konoha... I'm afraid we don't talk anymore."

* * *

"Attention, please. We've called this emergency meeting of the Akatsuki to discuss the latest development in Suna."

Everyone, of course, started talking at once.

"Something's going on in _Suna_?"

"Itachi found it, the–,"

"Itachi's in _Suna_?"

"Collect calls finally caught him and is holding him ransom?"

"In _Suna_?"

"Oh, will you stop with the Suna questions already!"

"No. As Kisame and Deidara have just informed me, Itachi has... a girl."

The collective Akatsuki gasped.

"Believe it," Kisame said, huddled on the couch (yes, they were holding the meeting in the Akatsuki Game Room), his hands wrapped around a cup of coffee, his demeanor suggestive of that of one who has just been pulled out of a frozen lake. "I just spent eight hours on the phone listening to a detailed and glowing description of her."

The collective Akatsuki gasped again. Except one.

"Why's it such a big deal?" Tobi asked, looking cluelessly at the stunned faces around him.

"Oh, Tobi," Deidara patted his arm condescendingly. "I forgot you're a moron."

"Tobi is not a moron!" protested Tobi. "Tobe is a good boy!"

"Tobi, you have to understand, Itachi is a very repressed individual."

"He doesn't allow himself to express any emotion, especially 'weak' ones; love, affection, sympathy,"

"Why do you think he's always so cruel to Sasuke-kun?"

"Because..." Tobi said uncertainly, "He ... doesn't care about him?"

"No, because he does. He loves that boy to death, and he's absolutely horrified by the power of his own affection. So, he overcompensates, trying to prove to himself that Sasuke doesn't matter to him by beating him up."

"And, of course, the meaner he is to Sasuke, the more it hurts him, so he's even more vicious to quash the pain."

"But... why doesn't he just admit...?"

"It's all subconscious. He doesn't quite realize why he does it... we're not sure where he got the habit of repressing his emotions like this, but we think it's because he's from one of those old clans that puts a lot of stress on the importance of strength and stuff."

"Anyway, with a complex like that, you can imagine how difficult puberty was for him,"

"All those hormones, controlling him, forcing him to pay attention to women's breasts, very traumatic."

"We think it had a lot to do with why he killed his family,"

"(Everyone except his beloved Sasuke, just to drive that point a little further into your brain, dear Tobi)."

"Although, of course, he's never really told us the real reasons. In any case, his attempts to distance himself from any emotional attachments have lead him to become quite the misogynist," Kisame explained. Everyone turned their attention to him blankly.

"A what?"

"Oh, for God's sake," Kisame groaned. "A misogynist! Someone who hates women!"

The Akatsuki all "Oh, why didn't you say so?"'ed and returned to their conversation.

"He avoids women like Kisame avoids the desert. It's a miracle that someone managed to corner him,"

"And ask him out, no less," Kisame added. "They had a bona fide date last night, and now he won't shut up about her."

"Sounds like she made an impression. Is she hot?"

"Super-model gorgeous, to hear him tell it," Kisame snorted as his fellows gathered around him to get the low-down. "Not, of course, that he paid attention to her looks,"

The Akatsuki snickered. They knew Itachi.

"Aside from her "golden" hair, "sapphire-blue" eyes... oh, and size C ... clothing."

"Size C?" Tobi asked. Deidara grabbed his own chest in explanation. "Oh. That size C."

"So, Kisame, you're trying to tell us that an attractive young woman is interested in Itachi,"

"Now, now, Itachi-kun's an attractive young man, if you don't know him."

"And he's interested in her? Come on!"

"Oh, there's something else, too," Kisame added with a grin. "She says that she doesn't want to be in a totally-devoted kind of relationship, nothing too fairy-tale romantic. She doesn't think it's healthy."

The Akatsuki began laughing, everything making sense in their universe once more. "That explains it."

"The perfect girl for Itachi-kun; one with a problem with commitment."

"It's going to be interesting, seeing our Itachi come out of his little shell... which reminds me, Kisame, did you hear enough about her to settle our bet? Who does she remind him of?" Deidara asked, holding out his palm expectantly.

"I... um..." Kisame floundered. "It's too soon to tell," he laughed nervously, "Itachi doesn't quite realize... it's hard to get the measure of someone... give it some time for me to come up with the money... I mean, find out,"

"Yes... you're right. We're going to have to keep our eye on this. It's far too good to miss."


	8. The Difference Between Us

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 8: The Difference Between Us

* * *

Meanwhile, at Starbucks:

"It must be hard on you, not being able to see your brother," Temari said sympathetically.

Itachi stole a bite of her biscotti. The guys teased him about Sasuke, but it was only teasing, never serious. Unbeknownst to Itachi, this was because they had a thorough understanding of his psychological condition, but a not-so-thorough grasp of his true relationship with his brother. Temari, on the other hand, knew nothing about his complex relationship issues, but understood perfectly what Sasuke meant to him. Therefore, she didn't know enough to avoid the topic, and, as a result, Itachi wasn't curling up in denial.

"It is hard," he admitted, for the first time ever, "I worry about how he's doing, on his own."

"Yeah, I could never leave my brothers... Once in a while, I've wondered what it would be like to say "screw this", get out of this god-forsaken village and live my own life, but, what would happen to them, you know? I'm the only parent they've ever really had, they need me."

"I meant to take him with me, when I left," Itachi explained, partly to himself. "I had it planned out, how we'd leave together. What stupid fantasy that was... As I gazed at my parents' lifeless bodies, I realized, when Sasuke wakes up and recovers from the shock, he's going to be _pissed_ at me."

Temari nodded, then did a double-take. "Wait, _what_ about your parents?"

Itachi winced, realizing the mistake he'd just made. He'd let it slip, so soon, to Temari, the first woman he had ever truly been interested in, to Temari who had raised her two little brothers from infancy, to Temari who had devoted her life to protecting them, to Temari, to whom family was everything, and now she would know what kind of stupid selfish genocidal spaz she was dating. He'd wanted to spend more time with her...

Itachi's progress marker towards mental and social stability took a step backwards.

Outside, he remained calm. A true shinobi does not show his emotions in the face of disaster, and Itachi was nothing if not a true shinobi. "I was exiled for the murder of my clan," he said evenly.

Temari's eyes dropped to her tea and biscotti sitting on the sterile plastic table. "Your clan?"

"My entire family; cousins, uncles, great-aunts, my mother and my father," He had to stop himself from going on, _little old ladies, kids my age, my closest friend, people I've known since my childhood,_ She got the idea, he didn't need to make it worse for himself by rubbing it in. "Everybody except my baby brother. I killed all of them."

Temari stirred her tea silently for what seemed to Itachi like a very long time, without looking up. "You...are from one of Konoha's very old clans, then, with a kekkei genkei?" she asked emotionlessly. Itachi wished she would look up so he could see her face. Whatever emotion it contained, it would be better than this suspense.

"Yes," he said simply. "My brother and I are the last who carry it."

He raised his cup to his lips weakly, his hand almost shaking under the weight of the beverage, only to find that the tea was cold.

Temari finally raised her eyes to meet his, and there was (miracle of all miracles!) admiration on her features.

"You are much stronger than me, Itachi-kun," she said with a slight (gorgeous, welcome, relieving, perfect) smile. "How many times I wanted to rip my uncle's lying, drug-riddled tongue out of his skull... but I could never go through with it. I'm too weak."

"Well, not every nine-year-old can rip a tongue out," Itachi said with a shaky relieved laugh.

"You know what I mean," Temari laughed in her sly little ironic (musical, heavenly) laugh. "It takes a lot of will power to destroy blood-relations, no matter how cruel they are, no matter how much you want to spare your brother from what you've gone through... even though you know it will be worse on the younger ones..." (_You could always tell, _Itachi reflected, _people who were on a first-name basis with one or more of the Hyuugas.) _"You have a lot of courage, Itachi-kun."

Itachi's progress marker towards mental and social stability took a giant leap forward.

"For what it's worth, Temari," he said seriously, "I think that the strength it takes to stay by the ones you care about, to be there for them no matter what, no matter what you or they go through, far surpasses anything I possess."

"That's really the fundamental difference between us, isn't it?" Temari mused. "My devotion to my family ties me down, limits me, but it gives me strength as well. Your independence makes you strong, but weakens you, at the same time... I guess we even each other out." She took a sip of tea, then spat it back into her cup. "Ew, the tea's cold."

Something had happened to Itachi... some barrier had fallen, some long-hidden nerve had been hit. For the first time ever, he wanted someone. "Temari-san," he said suddenly. "What time do you have to be home?"

"Oh, not until five," Temari said. Something had changed in the atmosphere, there was now something she was dying to say, some desire that was dying to be satisfied, but she didn't know what. She was only aware of this sudden _need_...

"Do you..." Itachi smiled self-consciously, trying not to make a big deal out of it. "Do you want to come back to my place?"

There it was, what she had been wanting to say. Temari nodded.

* * *

It surprised her to learn that the "L-shaped" bed sheets she had grown up with in movies, that cover the man from the waist down, but miraculously stretch to cover the woman a bit more completely, were not the Hollywood myth she had always assumed they were. Itachi's hotel room (which, admittedly, was in a rather sleazy part of town) had them, and she supposed she would have been glad, had she been a more modest girl.

But she was not, and the extra layer of cloth was bothering her, and it wasn't like she was showing off anything that either of them hadn't seen before (a few minutes before, for instance) so she folded the sheet down to waist level.

The phone rang just as she was leaning back. She decided to ignore it. Itachi caressed her shoulder, and that was more important.

"Temari, I don't think I can get over a girl like you,"

"Itachi—,"

"So you'll have to answer the phone,"

"Oh, right," Temari rolled over and picked up the receiver and listened. "Itachi, do you,"

"Yes, accept it," Itachi sighed.

"Yeah, we'll take the call," Temari told the machine. "Hello."

* * *

Kisame dropped the phone like it had caught fire. Very cautiously, he picked it up again. "Hello... who is this?"

"I'm..." The person who had answered Itachi's phone... no, the _woman_ who had answered Itachi's phone said. "I'm a friend of Itachi's. Who the hell are you?"

Maybe it was just him being perverted, or maybe it was something in the way she said "friend", but Kisame's eyes widened in shock.

* * *

Itachi pressed his forehead against Temari's back, between the blades of her shoulders, closing his eyes, listening to her heartbeat... and to her conversation with his friends, who were really too loud for their own good. He could hear them on the other end of the line. How the secret Akatsuki lair managed to stay a secret, he never could figure out.

"_Oh my god!"_ Kisame gasped loudly. "_Guys! Our little 'Tachi-kun isn't a virgin anymore!_" Itachi slapped a mental hand against his forehead.

Temari suppressed a giggle.

_"Are you serious? You can't be serious."_

_"He's all grown up,"_ Someone blew their nose loudly and emotionally.

_"Here, give me the phone! _Hey, Itachi, you really did the deed, yeah?"

Temari couldn't help it, she laughed out loud.

"Oh, shit, you aren't Itachi--, _Kisame, there's a chick on this phone! Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"You didn't ask."_

_"So,_ she's _on the phone? Give me that!_ Hello."

"Hello," Temari said wryly.

"So, you kids having yourselves a good time?"

Itachi raised his head up and saw that the nature of the conversation had turned Temari a bright red color. He decided to rescue her, and, if possible, emasculate the Akatsuki members responsible via long distance. "Here, I'll talk to them,"

"We taught him everything he knows," said whoever had snagged the phone. Someone in the Akatsuki game room giggled. "_What?"_

_"That sounded wrong,"_

_"Tobi, you little perv,"_

_"No, he's right, Zetsu, it did sound wrong... yeah..."_

With an embarrassed grin, Temari handed the phone to Itachi.

"I don't even want to know what you said to her," he said menacingly. "I just want to say--," As soon as word got out that their little (deflowered) Itachi-kun was on the phone, however, there was a rush to talk to him, and any plans he had for scathing, vengeful comments were forgotten as he began to smile and blush, not unlike Temari had been.

Temari grinned and wrapped her arms around his waist, listening to his side of the conversation, which was a lot of him starting to say something and being cut off. "Tell them you've got to go... you're busy," she whispered into his ear after a few minutes.

"Guys, I've got to go, I've got company, remember."

A loud chorus of knowing "oohs," and other juvenile remarks made it over the receiver. Itachi tried to interrupt in annoyance, but a hot "tip" ended up just turning him red again.

Temari's hands began to wander downward... under the L-sheets. "I've only got until five," she reminded him. "Are you going to hang up, or should I start without you?"

* * *

Kisame stared at the phone in shock. "He hung up on me!" he exclaimed.


	9. Several Revelations

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 9: Several Revelations

A/N: KalliopeStarmist does not advocate going to bed with first/second dates. Only if you are an anime character, because it's always true love in fanfiction, that's what makes it fiction.

In case you haven't noticed, Yumi and Nat are recurring characters in my works that I keep on hand for when I need some extra Sand-dwellers. Please ignore the blatant Mary-Sueishness of them.

This chapter's pretty dense, but you're rewarded at the end with a cameo from Kakuzu and Hidan.

* * *

Yumi, Temari's old arch-rival, had just had a stroke of luck. She had been getting some water for her family (unlike that slut Temari, _her_ parents lived with her) when she happened across the handsome stranger from Starbucks.

"Hello, there. Fancy seeing you again," she walked up to him, smiling her most alluring smile.

"Hello," he replied distantly.

"I don't think we've been introduced... I'm Yumi."

"Hello, Yumi."

Yumi bit back a schoolgirl giggle. Cute yet cold, how irresistible. "About the other day, I hope you don't judge all of us by Temari. Most girls here are very reserved."

"I'm sure she is nothing like the others here."

"Oh, no, not at all," Yumi agreed eagerly. "For instance, she and I are very different from each other,"

"Excuse me a moment, Yumi-san." Itachi had just spotted Temari at the well, and he had to go and greet her. "If it's not my favorite kunoichi,"

Temari looked up from her task, and Itachi took the opportunity to kiss her. Yumi's mouth dropped open.

"And my favorite outlaw," she (Temari, not Yumi) grinned, lifting her filled water jar. Itachi helped her steady the heavy vessel.

"Could I carry that for you?"

Temari turned a little red. Itachi knew damn well all the connotations; she had told him about the incident with Shikamaru. "Sure."

Yumi very nearly fainted.

* * *

"You seem happy again today, Temari," Kankuro observed.

"I am," Temari said with a smile, grabbing her purse.

"Going out again?"

"Yup." She turned for the front door, but Kankuro blocked it. "Oh, for Pete's sake, Kankuro, I'll be back in time for that stupid little play date you and Gaara's Imaginary Friend from Hell are forcing me into."

"It's not that... where have you been going?"

"Out. Now move."

"Tell me where you go."

"What does it matter to you guys, as long as I'm home when you tell me?"

"I'm worried about you. You've been disappearing for hours on end ever since Shikamaru got here."

"I always give him plenty of opportunity to flirt hopelessly with me, and I'm never rude to him, so why are you complaining? Is it because I'm not falling in love with him according to plan?"

"No, it's not that at all. I want to know where you're going."

"Fine... I've been going to the movies."

"You've been watching the same movies over and over again for the past two weeks?"

"They're good movies, what can I say? Do you want me to take Shikamaru out to one sometime?" she asked coyly, pushing her brother out of the way.

"I never thought you would try to lie to us, Temari."

"If you had left me another option, then I wouldn't have to," she snapped back. Kankuro grabbed her arm and pulled her back in the door.

"I don't want you getting into trouble."

"Yes, Father." Temari yanked her arm away and slammed the door behind her.

* * *

"I'm worried about Temari," Gaara said suddenly.

"Yes... it seems like she would be a little warmer to Shikamaru after two weeks, but you can't rush things like this, I guess," Shukaku sighed.

"No, I mean, where has she been going? She leaves in the morning if she has to be back for dinner, or she stays out late... a couple of nights she didn't even come home until after sunrise... You don't think she's really doing drugs or something, do you?"

"Nah, we'd know. She's probably just awkward around Shikamaru... maybe she trains, it's a good way to get rid of violent emotions... or maybe..."

"Or maybe what?"

"I'm probably just being a little paranoid, but..."

* * *

"Hey there, Sexy," Itachi smirked from the street corner where Temari had left him. "Remember me? I'm your boyfriend."

Temari laughed as she kissed him. "You'd better be," she said slyly. "Sorry about the delay... family problems."

"One of these days I'd like to meet your family," Itachi said, semi-serious for once.

"I want you to meet them too, 'Tachi-kun. And you will one day, as soon as I get rid of Shuka-maru," she finished with a slight mumble.

"I look forward to it... in the meantime, I've got a beautiful woman to spend time with."

"Do you want to go see a movie?" Temari asked suddenly.

* * *

Kankuro decided to go looking for Temari when Suzuhara Nat walked up to him. Well, she didn't really walk directly up to him, so much as sneak. Nat was Suna's equivalent of Hyuuga Hinata , without the angry family (although, all families in Suna are pretty angry, so she might have been Hinata to a T.) She was quiet, shy, given to daydreaming and panic attacks. Yumi was her best friend, for no reason whatsoever except that they were next-door neighbors, had known each other for ever, and therefore put up with one another.

"Hi, Kankuro-kun," she started with a small (microscopically so) voice.

"AHH!" Kankuro jumped, then noticed the diminutive girl the tiny voice was coming from. "Oh, it's just you, Nat."

"I– I heard Temari's got a boyfriend," she said with a small giggle.

"I guess you could call him that," Kankuro said with a small sigh. At home Shikamaru was never referred to as Temari's boyfriend, only as her "Prince Charming" or "One True Love", and the plain simple word made him uncomfortable. He and Shikamaru had been spending a lot of time together while Temari was gone on her mysterious outings, and the more better he got to know the Leaf Nin, the more wrong it felt to picture him with Temari. It wasn't that he didn't like Shikamaru; he did, a lot, but it just seemed like he and Temari were different in all the wrong ways. Shikamaru wanted to be average, comfortable, and happy. He wanted to settle down, get married, have some kids, take care of his aging parents and his property, and just lead an average, simple life.

Temari wanted to go places, do things, actually live her life. She had always felt stifled by the strict expectations of her village; that she should settle down, give up ninja-ing to get married, have kids, and take care of her husband's aging parents and their property. Temari's plans were different. There was so much that she wanted to see, to learn, to experience. She was ambitious, as well. She wanted to be strong and independent. The only baggage she wanted was Kankuro and Gaara.

And the very worst part of all, what made Kankuro practically break into a cold sweat when Nat referred to Temari's "boyfriend", was that he could see Shikamaru winning. Temari had spent her life pushing against the norm, without any help, without any support. If she just let herself lean on Shikamaru a little, it wasn't very far-fetched that she might stop pushing. She might decided maybe she had had enough, and it was time to stop fighting. It was possible that she would be happy enough with Shikamaru, but it wouldn't be the happiness that she had wanted. It would be happiness on someone else's terms. If Shukaku succeeded in this endeavor, his sister's dreams could disappear, and Kankuro didn't want any part of it. If he had only realized, had taken her side earlier, but now... well, it was out of his hands.

"I heard that he's pretty cute..." Nat was saying.

"Eh, if you're into that, I guess," Kankuro shrugged. He didn't think Shikamaru was all that attractive, but he didn't understand girls, and anyway the others did tend to whisper that Nat had odd taste in men.

"I'm not really," Nat blushed, "But Yumi said he looked like a model... She's jealous of Temari," she added. Kankuro knew enough of Yumi, Nat, and Temari to know that Nat had cleaned up Yumi's discussion on Temari's bit of luck on the singles' scene to the point where Kankuro wouldn't get offended. "Is it true that he's a missing Nin?"

"No..." Kankuro thought. "Well, we kidnaped him, if that's what you mean, so I guess you might be seeing his face on milk cartons soon."

Nat laughed her quiet little laugh, and Kankuro smiled at her... she immediately stared down at the ground. "Don't get mad, but... I kind of understand where Yumi's coming from... I never thought Temari would get someone to carry the water for her."

Kankuro stared at her. "She lets him carry the water?"

Nat nodded. "He helped her today... Yumi almost passed out."

And that's when Kankuro realized (not without a sigh of relief) that his sister was not with Shikamaru; she had met someone else. Of course, this presented other problems.

* * *

"There you are, Temari!" Shukaku exclaimed when Temari returned. Gaara, apparently under the demon's direction, grabbed her by the shoulders and led her towards her room. "I was afraid you'd forgotten! Come on, let's get you dressed up."

Temari kept her eyes fixed on Kankuro and when she was led past him, handed him a little slip of paper with a small, "ha."

Kankuro looked at what she had handed him. It was the stub of a movie ticket.

* * *

The waiter at Temita's Tex Mex Bar and Grille didn't react when Shikamaru and Temari entered, even though Temari knew he recognized her. It was only with the control over her emotions she had developed as a kunoichi that she prevented herself from blushing, too aware of Shikamaru's arm awkwardly positioned around her waist like a python had that had had a stroke while attempting to strangle her and was now undergoing rigor mortis. Itachi would never have sustained contact with her like this if he felt awkward about it.

"Two please," Shikamaru said.

"Right this way," the waiter replied, leading them to a secluded table. Once the couple was seated and he was out of Shikamaru's sight, he winked at Temari and mouthed something to the effect of "aren't we Miss Popular?"

Temari smiled back at him, glad for the comic relief. It was the first smile she hadn't had to fake since she had said goodbye to Itachi that afternoon. It gave her mood an extra boost.

"Need help ordering?" she asked Shikamaru, who shook his head.

"Nah, I know what I'm getting." He looked up at her and their eyes met. He immediately turned back to the menu. Temari rolled her eyes. Shikamaru used to be such an awesome guy, before her self-declared fairy godmother had set about ruining her life.

And that's what that crazy little sand bag was doing, too, she reflected. Aside from Kankuro and Gaara, Temari had never had a single friend until she met Shikamaru. No one she could hang out with, play Mario Carts with, talk to, bounce ideas off of, that kind of thing. Shikamaru used to be the perfect friend, her ideal companion. He was laid back, easygoing, fun to be around. Try hanging out with him _now_. Thanks to Shukaku the Wonder Demon and his powers of suggestion (and let's not forget to heap some blame on Kankuro's and Gaara's plates), he thought he was in love with her, and that this completely changed their relationship.

How does that follow, anyway? You get to know a girl, you develop a relationship, then you fall in love with her and everything you had, everything you love being around her for goes out the window?

Take Mario Karts for example. Shikamaru and Temari of the Pre-Shukaku era played each other all the time, whenever she was in Konoha, and they'd get into it; screaming obscenities, throwing controllers, drinks, chips, trying to hit one another, cheating any way they could, having fun. Now, with him "in love" with her, he always let her win. (Still worse, she didn't think Shukaku had put him up to it. He considered it his duty.) Where's the point in that? You can't yell when you know you're going to win. The only fun was in the competition!

She had just stopped offering, to her bitter disappointment. The one thing she thought she was going to get out of this kidnaping was unlimited Mario Karts. But let him and Kankuro play, scream at each other, throw controllers, try to hit one another. It didn't hurt at all that her first real friend was gone forever, replaced by this spineless dull little Romeo who wouldn't look her in the eye. It wasn't cruel that her former best friend was all that stood in the way of introducing Itachi to her family, was the only reason she was forced to lie to Kankuro. It wasn't unfair at all, it wasn't a problem for her or anything.

The waiter returned with their sodas.

"Taco salad for me, please, hold the sour cream," Temari said.

"I'll have the enchiladas suizas," Shikamaru said with perfect pronunciation. Temari glowered for no real reason. Lately everything he did annoyed her, especially not being Itachi. She and Itachi had been to Temita's a lot in the past few weeks, and his pronunciation was horrible. He could never have pronounced that entree. He would have made an ass of himself trying, and even the waiter would have been laughing by the time he and Temari were done teasing each other over it, and he would say-,

"Temari, I know you don't like to hear this," Shikamaru interrupted her daydream. "But I am glad your brothers and... whatever that thing is,"

"Shukaku," Temari told him archly, as offended as if he had forgotten Gaara's name. Shukaku, like him or not, was a part of her family and her village, and not for Shikamaru to criticize. (He hadn't done anything wrong, but she was so irritable with him lately, she didn't know why.)

"Yeah, what is that thing? It keeps calling itself your godmother."

"It's an evil sand spirit that occupies the right side of Gaara's brain."

"Oh. Well, I'm glad they keep setting us up."

"Correction, Shikamaru, they keep _trying_ to set us up. To date they are failing."

"But I get to spend time with you..." Shikamaru made rare eye contact, and, even rarer these days, smiled slyly. "And they don't have to be failing..."

Temari looked over her shoulder. "All right, where are they hiding?"

"They aren't here. This doesn't have anything to do with them. I do like you, Temari."

"You're wrong, this has everything to do with them, and you don't even realize it... I thought you had more backbone that this, Shikamaru."

"No, Temari, I love you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"No, Shikamaru," Temari said patiently. "You don't. You think that you're supposed to, so you feel awkward and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you're in love. That's not even what love is like. When you're really in love, it's like... you can say anything, talk about anything..." Temari waved her hand in front of her chest to get Shikamaru's attention. He raised his eyes back to her face, scarlet either from being caught staring or from the dreaded eye contact. "Look anywhere," she added, "And still feel right. That's what it's like to be in love. It's relaxing, not stressful."

"So... the way we used to act, was that love?" Shikamaru asked, and Temari was grateful to know that he had noticed the change to... and apparently didn't like it any more than she did. There was hope.

"No, no, no," she laughed, "That was friendship. They're very similar... Isn't there a girl in Konoha that you want, that you fantasize about, but when you talk to her, it's no big deal; you're still plain old Shikamaru, she's still plain old her, no blushing, no looking away?"

Shikamaru sighed.

"There is someone you miss, then. You must be homesick. I'm sorry about what we've done to you."

Shikamaru picked at his food. "Who is he?" he asked.

"Who's who?"

"The man you're in love with. I know there's somebody, the way you talk... and then you never gave me a real chance."

"Maybe I am in love, but that doesn't have anything to do with our relationship. I love hanging out with you, and I'm grateful I met you, but... well, you act like Kankuro and you're Gaara's age... that's way too close to dating my brothers for my taste. But you're the best friend I've ever had... I don't want to lose you. I don't want to break your heart. All I want is my friend back. I am your friend, and I'll help you get back to where you belong... and once you're back, you'll realize you don't love me. I know you, it's just the drugs and the shock and the new location and Shukaku have got you confused."

Shikamaru grinned at her, a real Shikamaru grin, the grin of the Shikamaru she had met so long ago in Konoha. "Well, maybe I want to be your friend again."

He held out his hand, and Temari made to shake it, but he pulled his away at the last minute. "Gottcha."

And Temari was happy, because she had her best friend back.

* * *

Itachi was on the phone.

"I'd like to remind you, Itachi, that we aren't paying for you to dick around with your girlfriend. You were sent to Suna on an assignment."

"_Holy fuck, man, you call that dump you put him up in _paying?_ You'd have to pay me to stay in a place like that, seriously!"_

"_Shut up, when I want your opinion I'll ask it, and don't hold your breath. _Itachi, have you made any progress?"

"I don't think it's here," Itachi said tensely. If it wasn't there, he would be forced to return...

"It's there, all right," a new voice said clearly in the background. Itachi wondered if Kakuzu had figured out the speaker phone. "It's about the only big thing Suna's got going for it; if something had happened they would have declared war on the nearest village just to have somebody to blame."

"Stay on task, Itachi. Your first loyalty lies with the Akatsuki."

"Cut the man some slack, Kuzu-kun," Hidan moaned in the background. "He's finally gettin' some! Itachi's proved his loyalty, let's give him a little time to enjoy himself. It's not like you've never—,"

"Shut the hell up, Hidan!"

"See if he can get some info from his girlfriend," Hidan suggested.

"Oh, yeah, this girlfriend," Sasori, (previously the New Voice) said. "I've been meaning to ask you about her, Itachi. I wonder if I know her,"

"Or her grandparents."

"Oh, shut up, I'm not that old. What's her name?"

"It's Temari."

Sasori burst into hysterical laughed. "Oh my god, you can't be serious!"

"What?" Itachi asked. Laughter.

"Yeah, what is it?" Kakuzu and Hidan asked in unison. More laughter from the usually stoic Sasori.

"Fucking spill it already!" Hidan snapped.

"Well, last I saw her, she was almost bald, no teeth,"

"You're thinking of her grandmother," Itachi snapped.

"No, I'm thinking of her... mind you, 'Tachi-kun, she was about six months old when I saw her... and I was at a distance, couldn't be seen in Suna, especially not by her father. Well, you've hit the jackpot. If anyone in Suna knows where to find the one-tail, it's the fourth Kazekage's daughter."

* * *

"GAARA! What the hell are you doing!?" Temari shrieked, her peaceful slumber having been interrupted when she awoke to find her baby brother with his face inches from her neck. She drew up against the wall, clutching a sheet around her protectively.

Gaara stepped away coldly, emotionlessly, but his ears were a definite shade of red. "Nothing." he said, walking out the door. "Goodnight."

Temari stared suspiciously at the door, still clinging to the sheets, completely unnerved, before returning to sleep, muttering, "weirdo."

What Gaara hadn't wanted to tell his sister was that, at Shukaku's behest, he had been sniffing her to see if he could find any signs of drug use.

"So, is it cocaine, or meth, or what?" he asked.

"Didn't smell anything... maybe we were wrong, maybe she's clean," Shukaku said, a little relieved.

"What was that on her neck, though? It looked kind of like a bruise... do you think she's been getting in fights or hurting herself?"

"No... it didn't look quite like that... if I didn't know better, I'd say it was a hickey," the demon laughed at his own ridiculous idea.

"Oh, like you know what a hickey looks like, Shuka."

"Just because I'm never going to get any in your body doesn't mean I'm a hopeless case like you are, Gaar-gaar."

"Whatever, I just haven't... found anyone."

"What about that cute little girl who got beat up at the Chunin exams? She was cute... you were looking at her..."

"Don't go trying to set me up with anyone, you're not even done torturing Temari."

"It's not torture, it's helping... maybe you're gay, maybe that's it."

"What?!"

And so they got into an argument about Gaara's disappointing love life, and Temari and her hickey were forgotten.


	10. They Cantaloupe

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 10: They Cantaloupe

A/N: I think my problem is that I actually love this pairing... which makes it hard for me to make fun of it. All the other pairings I ship, I do for their utter crack/humor value... but I like these two. Seriously, as Hidan would say.

* * *

"You seem... cheerful tonight, Temari," Itachi observed. They were in his room and he was fairly sure it was late, after midnight. He didn't know exactly, nor did he want to. The later it got, the sooner Temari would kiss him one last time, slide out of bed, and vanish like a guest in a murder mystery, no matter how he tried to stop her. She needed to get home before her brothers noticed she had been out all night, she would say.

Temari smiled sleepily and continued running her fingers through Itachi's hair. She was happy. She and Shikamaru and Kankuro had played Mario Karts before she left to meet Itachi, and Shikamaru had won, and in the process hit her so hard with a controller that he left a mark. An odd thing to find comforting, but what about Temari's life was normal? She now had a friend, a lover, and some control over her life once more. There may have been a way for things to be better, but she couldn't think of it right now. Of course, she was tired and not in a thinking mood, that may have had something to do with it.

Itachi was not happy. He was certain that Sasori, expert on all things Suna, was right and that Temari would know where to find the ichibi demon, and he was equally certain that she would be willing to help him steal it. But once he had it, he would have to leave her. And if he didn't find it, he would be recalled and have to leave her. Either way, he was screwed. Or, rather, he stopped being screwed.

"I'm always cheerful when you're with me," Temari finally murmured.

"That was a delayed response if I ever heard one."

"Oh, hush," she responded, kissing him once on the back of the neck. Itachi tensed; he knew what that meant. "Good night, Itachi. I have to go."

"No," he whispered desperately, turning to grab her arm and pull her back into the bed next to him. He knew it was useless. She would laugh, tease him a little, then leave anyway, like she always did. He had stopped trying to keep her after the first couple of times, but now, when he didn't know how much longer they had together...

In a surprise turn of events, Temari snuggled closer, allowing him to wrap his arms around her, keeping her there. "Just a few more minutes... just a few," she murmured. Once she would have left, fighting her desire to stay with her fear of being found out by her demonic fairy godmother and angry, overzealous brothers, but now that she was no longer toying with Shikamaru's affections, the fear was less urgent. There was no reason for them to resent Itachi now, right?

"Itachi, were you serious, do you really want to meet my brothers? Because Shikamaru's backed off, and... you're important to me, and my family is important to me... I want them to know about you."

"And once they know about me, you'll be able to spend the night, right? The whole night... fall asleep with me and everything?"

"Yes,"

Itachi began to sit up. "I want to meet them right now, then."

Temari laughed and pulled him back. "There is one thing you need to know." She took a deep breath. She trusted Itachi now, she knew he wouldn't stop caring about her when he found out, but still, it was hard. "I haven't told you everything about my family."

"There's more? Aside from the druggie homicidal uncle, curse-spewing dead mother, absentee father, crazy-powerful, semi-sane, and bratty brother and romantically-inclined intelligent family pet?"

"About that crazy-powerful, semi-sane, and bratty brother and the romantically-inclined intelligent family pet... do you know what an Jinchuuriki is?"

Itachi's heart started pounding. It made sense now. He had wondered, but never mentioned, of course, why his strong independent Temari would be so afraid of upsetting her little brother, why she would allow him to push her around. In some of her stories, she almost made it sound like he would murder her. But even she had the right to be afraid of a demon. "Yes..."

"Well, my baby brother, Gaara, is one," Temari said. "So if you go to meet my family, be prepared for Shukaku (that's its name) to be there, too. He lives on top of Gaara's head, and he's really really crazy... probably from being cooped up with Gaara for so long." She braced herself for any questions. She was determined not to hold anything back.

"How many tails does he have?" Itachi asked. Temari blinked. That wasn't the type of question she had been expecting.

"One... how many did you think he had?"

Itachi started laughing. What a solution, deus ex machina had never looked so good. He turned over completely so that they were eye to eye. "Temari!"

"Yeah?" Temari asked uncertainly.

"My organization, they sent me here to look for the Ichibi, what did you call him? Shugacube?"

"Shukaku."

"Right. They had me looking for an old teakettle."

"Old information; he's been with my brother for over a decade now."

"Yeah, I guess. Temari, run away with me," Itachi whispered. "We'll lure your brother out to our hideout, extract the demon, and you join us. Get out of this village, travel, do things, be together..."

"Itachi..." Temari hesitated. He kissed her, which didn't help her with the decision-making process.

"Come with me."

"If you extract Shukaku, Gaara will die. I can't..."

"Temari, you tell me all these stories about your childhood, how hard you try to take care of your brother, and he still treats you like shit. For God's sake, you're so afraid of him that you won't even spend the night with your boyfriend for fear he'll find out. I don't want anybody treating you like that."

"He's my brother, and I love him, no matter how he treats me."

"You're the only person I've ever cared about, and I love you, and I can't sit by and let him abuse you just because you think it's your duty to your family. You've done all you can. Kankuro's old enough to take care of himself, and Gaara doesn't deserve—," Itachi stopped himself. He had almost said that Gaara didn't deserve to live! No way to win over Temari.

"So they take me for granted once in a while. I'm glad that they can. I want them to feel like I'll always be there."

Itachi was going mad with frustration. "I would never take you for granted, Temari. You would never be afraid of me. _**I**_ love you." He put the emphasis on "I", hoping to get across that her brothers didn't. Nobody who loved her could be so cruel to her.

"I love you too, Itachi," she said fretfully.

"Then run away with me!" he pleaded. "The Akatsuki will find the demon with or without you."

"You– you wouldn't tell them about Gaara!" she said, starting.

"My mission here was to find him. I'm sorry you're caught up in this, Temari, but it's how it played out. Your brother and I are on different sides. Please,"

Temari broke from his grasp and rolled on top of him, pinning him to the bed. It was a hand-to-hand combat technique that had its fair share of uses in the bedroom... but this time she meant it in all sincerity.

"Itachi, listen to me," she growled. Itachi actually cowered. He had faced horrors beyond description in battle without turning a hair, he knew that he could defeat this little kunoichi without using one tenth of his chakra, but he had never seen anything so terrifying and malignant as the light in the back of Temari's eyes. "Never try to harm either of my brothers, or you will die, because I will kill you. No emotion, no bond that you think exists between us will save you. If you force me to chose between you and Gaara, you _**will**_ lose. Gaara is my family, my flesh, my blood, a part of me more important than myself. You're some dope I met at Starbucks. Do you understand?"

Itachi looked at her with the most pleading he could conjure up from the depths of his tormented soul, and while most girls would have melted, Temari just shook his arms painfully.

"_Do you understand?"_

Itachi didn't respond, and Temari threw herself off of him and began to get dressed. He got up as well, of course, and tried to grab her, but she kept shaking his hand off violently.

"Temari!" he called as she opened the door.

"Goodbye, Itachi! I've got to get home to my ungrateful jinchuuriki brother!" Temari shouted, slamming the door so hard that the cheap art on the wall fell off and knocked over the bedside lamp. Baki had taught her that as a stress-relief method. It was very effective.

His (Itachi's, not Baki's) first reaction was to run after after her. He had gotten halfway out the door when he realize he wasn't wearing any pants, and had to quickly shove the lower part of his body behind the doorframe, as the other hotel patrons were checking to see what the commotion was. She was gone. Sighing, Itachi began to search for his boxers.


	11. Heart Declaring Bankruptcy

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 11: Heart Declaring Bankruptcy.

A/N:

GirlLoki: I got your review, but couldn't respond, so here goes: You pass! About 90 percent of all my jokes are Hyuuga-centric, and about 90 percent of those revolve around making fun of good old dead Hizashi... and it occurred to me that the Hyuugas, much as I love every single one of them, are a very minor subplot... so I should make sure that people know who I'm talking about before they start reading. Thus the "chronological impossibility"; Hizashi died before Hanabi was born, they couldn't possibly ever have any kind of conversation. I'm really glad somebody caught this... it makes me feel slightly less dorky.

Temari swears a lot in this chapter. And Itachi has an LSD moment.

Chapter title has no meaning; Chapter Eleven is just slang for going bankrupt.

* * *

Shikamaru had gone sparring with Kankuro, because he was just bored enough to do something productive.

Temari was sitting lifelessly on the couch when they returned, and made no move to get their attention.

"Hey, I'm gonna put Karasu away, then do you want to stop by Starbucks or something?" Kankuro asked, lugging his puppet up the stairs. Shikamaru shrugged.

"Sure. Sounds good," he called after him, ambling into the living room, where he first noticed Temari. He looked at her, then at the television she was staring at. "You want me to turn that on for you?"

"No," Temari said, keeping her gaze rapt on the blank screen.

Shikamaru shrugged and sat down next to her and stared as well. "Watch this program often?" he asked.

"Shikamaru, you don't like Gaara, do you?" she asked without turning her head.

"I hang out with Sasuke and Neji," he shrugged, following her example and keeping his eyes glued to the TV, "I can't talk."

"Do you think he's cruel to me?"

"...to you exclusively? No, not at all."

"I love him and Kankuro so much. I really do."

"Seriously, Temari, are you all right? Did something happen?"

Temari ignored the concern. "They're worth it, you know? To me, they're worth it. I'd die for them. I'd give up anything for them. Does that make me a screwed-up masochistic weirdo?"

Shikamaru watched her out of the corner of his eye. "No?" he guessed. "People like us, we need something to fight for. Otherwise we lose sight of ourselves, who we are. You hear about ninjas who have nothing to hold onto and lose their humanity... like Sasuke's older brother. He—,"

"Let me ask you something. If you thought that my brothers were mistreating me, what would you do?"

"They wouldn't," Shikamaru said.

"But what if you thought they were?"

"Well, I guess I'd ask you about it... and if they really were hurting you... I dunno, I'd offer to help. But I don't think that's likely; they love you, and you know how to take care of yourself. I'd have to trust your judgement."

"Shikamaru, you're such a good friend," she burst out, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Te-Temari," Shikamaru stuttered, blushing, "Careful, I'm still recovering from that crush on you,"

"You make it sound like a disease!" she accused, leaning on him until he fell back against the arm of the couch. "Are you going to have a relapse?"

"If you keep this up!" he snapped, trying to push both of them back up. "See, this is what I hate about women! You play these little mind games, messing with our emotions like it's funny or something! Do you want to be friends or more or nothing or what?"

"Friends, and I'm sorry," she whispered, letting him sit up once more. "It's just, you understand me so well... I can trust you, and I know that you respect me. Unlike some people," she growled to herself. "Who think that I need to be protected from my own family! Or who dare assume that they know me and still think that I could ever love someone who would hurt my brother! I mean," she stood up and began pacing back and forth, "it's not like I haven't told him again and again everything they mean to me! And he has the nerve to act like he loves _his_ precious little brother! As much as he loves me, no doubt! He doesn't know the meaning of the word love, let alone trust or respect!"

"Temari?" Shikamaru asked nervously, holding up his hands. "You and your boyfriend having a fight?"

"He's **not** my boyfriend! God, how could I have ever thought of him like that? The bastard says he loves me, yet he keeps trying to protect me and make my life better and shit!"

"Uh, Temari?" Shikamaru waved his hands to get her attention. She turned to him, her eyes shooting sparks like a 35 cent toaster in a bathtub. "You know, it's normal for guys to want to..." he gulped. "Er, I mean, tell me what happened."

* * *

"Hello. Will you accept a collect call from,"

"The Mighty Prophet of the All-Powerful, Omniscient, and Just Fucking Awesome Jashin-sama."

"Yes," Itachi sighed. "Hidan, you've got to stop starting phone conversations that way."

"Why?"

"Because it's as annoying as hell."

"I hope you're not standing near water, because the lightning bolt is due any second."

"Oh, yeah, I forgot that it's blasphemy to tell you to shut the hell up," Itachi muttered. He was sitting in his boxers on the floor, with his back against the night stand. He thought it would be a good place for the maid to find his dead body when she finally came in to clean.

"So, what's up? You finally get your pants on long enough to find the demon or what?"

Itachi groaned.

"Hey, man, you two could at least stop it long enough to have a conversation with me. I know what you're doing."

"I'm sitting on the floor, you perverted zombie."

"Whoa, now, I don't need any details. All I need to know is where the ichibi is and how soon you can get it."

"We broke up," Itachi blurted.

"Hmm?"

"Temari and I. She left me."

"She left you?!" Hidan gasped. "I thought she was cool with the whole missing-nin genocide thing! Seems like if she survived _that_ bombshell you couldn't _drive_ her away."

"Itachi-sempai broke up with his girlfriend?" Tobi asked, upset to hear this. Hidan nodded, and the masked boy ran off, finally bursting into a friendly poker game the others were playing. So far, Kakuzu had won 20 dollars in loose change.

"ITACHI BROKE UP WITH TEMARI-CHAN!"

"WHAT?"

Itachi slammed his head against the table, ignoring the pain shooting through the bruise he already had from doing this throughout the day.

"_Gimme that phone!_" Kisame shouted, accompanied by a crunching suspiciously like shark teeth chomping down on someone's wrist. "Itachi, I just heard..."

"Yeah."

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"_I've got teeth marks on my bone, of course I'm not ok!"_

"_He wasn't talking to you, you fucking narcissist."_

"_Itachi-sempai! We love you! Don't kill yourself!"_

"I'm not going to kill myself, Tobi," Itachi said in a monotone.

"_Hey, man, cheer up, seriously. So your first romance ended badly; you'll move on! No lasting injury, which is more than_ I_ can say."_

"Oh, shut up, it'll heal!" Kisame snapped. "But he's right, Itachi, Suna's no place for an intelligent young man like you."

"_You should be back here, with us!"_

"_Poker's not the same without you there to spot when _someone's_ cheating."_

"_You lost, Zetsu, accept it!"_

"_Grab the ichibi and come home, yeah. You do know where it is now, right?"_

Itachi made a non-committal noise.

"_There are ways to replace her, yeah. You ever seen Sasori's 'private' puppet collection?"_

"We'll be waiting for you, ok, Itachi?"

"_If all else fails, Deidara can do wonders with those hands, seriously."_

There was a very long, very awkward silence.

"_...or, so I've heard."_

"Remind me never to accept a collect call from you guys ever again," Itachi asked Kisame.

"Yeah, that's my cue to hang up... look, Itachi, take a shower, put some clothes on over your boxers," (Itachi stared at his outfit, or lack thereof, with disbelief. Kisame knew him too well.), "brush your teeth, and take a walk. When you come back you'll feel a little more yourself."

* * *

"Temari, it sounds... well, it sounds like this guy really cares about you," Shikamaru said apologetically. "He's a little off-course in expressing it, but..."

"He **threatened** Gaara!" Temari snapped. "He wants me to betray my brother and run off with him!"

"He's never met your brothers... and let's face it, they don't come across very well in most of your stories... it's only natural that he would want to protect you."

"I don't need protected!"

"Neither do Gaara and Kankuro, but anyone who wants to challenge them still has to get by you first."

"Why the hell are you defending him, you bastard! All you bastards stick together..."

"I'm not saying that he's in the right, I'm just saying that I see where he's coming from."

"I don't give a fuck where he's coming from! The result is the same. He wants Gaara dead, and he doesn't understand why I don't. I can't be with someone like that. God, I need to tell Gaara..."

"Tell him what?" Kankuro asked, bounding down the stairs.

"Oh, um..." Shikamaru fumbled for an alias, but Temari beat him to it.

"My asshole ex-boyfriend was sent here by a criminal organization to collect Shukaku."

"Sweet! We can finally get rid of that damn raccoon!"

"Kankuro!" Temari scolded. "The energy required to break the seal would kill Gaara!"

"Oh..."

"Yeah, what kind of seal is that, anyway?" Shikamaru asked. "I've been wondering... I've never heard of any that allow the one sealed to have a form outside its host... well, not if applied properly."

"I dunno," Kankuro shrugged. "Just a standard one, I guess. And Shukaku didn't used to be able to come out like this. He said something about having freed up some chakra recently."

The three kids gulped, each of them kicking themselves mentally for not having noticed that the seal that kept Gaara's semi-stable demonic prisoner in check was slipping away.

"God, what is wrong with me?" Temari whispered.

"We're in trouble, Temari," Kankuro whispered back.

"We've _been_ in trouble, Kankuro."

Shikamaru said nothing, only crouched down on the floor, forming his hands into a circle.

* * *

Itachi walked down the street, a popsicle in hand. He was thinking about what his next move would be. It couldn't be too hard to get his hands on the jinchuuriki. He would have to take Temari out of commission, of course, but that could easily be done without hurting her. What was her problem, anyway? How many times had she told him that she wanted to leave here? That her brothers were all that prevented her? He was offering her a chance to live her own life, and all she could think about was that psychopathic volatile little boat anchor she called a brother. How could she chose that over him?

"_It hurts to be betrayed by someone you care about, doesn't it, 'Tachi?"_

Itachi's head snapped around. There was no one close behind him. He shook himself off and continued walking.

"_Don't you think she's hurting, too? To have to chose between you and her family. Wait, that's right, you've never cared about anyone in _your_ family."_

"That's not tru–," Itachi started to say. He shook himself once more and bit a chunk out of his popsicle. The heat must be getting to him.

"_You've never had someone you couldn't bear to lose taken from you."_

"That's right," he told the disembodied voice irritably. "Nobody."

"Nii-san! You're a liar!"

"Sasu–," Itachi spun around once more, ready to grab the little boy and spin him around. Maybe tickle him for pulling that disembodied-voice stunt. He knew he had recognized the voice!

"You told me you were going to take me to the store with you!" a little blond-haired boy accused as an older boy with similar coloring picked him up and spun him around.

"I'm sorry, little bro. You were asleep this morning, I didn't want to wake you up. Here, let's buy some ramen, ok?"

Itachi dropped the remainder of his popsicle into a trash can and went back to his hotel to make a phone call.

* * *

"Hello?"

"It's Itachi."

The speaker's voice immediately changed to gentle sympathy. "Hey, man, I was just going to call you. How are you?"

"Sasori, I've made a huge mistake."

"We've all made worse," the puppeteer assured him. "This one can be fixed."

"I don't think it can."

"Of course it can. What did you fight about?"

"I wanted her to come back with me," Itachi explained.

"And she didn't want to?"

"Yeah, she wanted to stay in Suna."

"Itachi, if you're going to lie to me, I can't help you. Of course she wanted to leave Suna! Who doesn't?"

"It was her little brothers. She couldn't leave them."

"See, doesn't the truth feel better? And of course, you suggested the Uchiha Itachi method of cutting family ties... by cutting family throats, and she was horrified."

"Something like that. I just wanted her to be happy..."

"Of course you did," Sasori clucked sympathetically.

"But I was wrong! She was right; I'd forgotten what it really means to care about your family, but she hadn't. I should never have tried to come between her and her Sas– her brothers... and now it's too late."

"Itachi," Sasori said finally, "You love this girl, right?"

"Yes."

"You want to hold her?"

"Yes."

"Please her?"

"Yes."

Sasori burst into song. "Then you got to- got to- got to- TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS!"

"Sasori!" Itachi yelled.

"Sorry."

"You're worse than Tobi sometimes..."

"I'm sure you're so overcome with grief that you don't know what you're saying. Look, are you sure that she's The One?"

"Yes."

"Well, if you're really sure, then you need to swallow your macho manliness and apologize. Tell her what you just told me."

"I don't think that will do it. She really loves those boys, and I'm a threat to them."

"How are you a threat, exactly?" Sasori asked, curious. "Prove that you aren't going to hurt them and that you respect her choice to stay with her family. She's a strong independent woman who had to cut her way through Suna society; she's not used to being respected; that's probably why she blew up like that."

"It might be harder to prove than you think."

"Why? You don't want to hurt her brothers, surely, if they mean so much to her."

Itachi sighed. "You're right. Thanks, Sasori."

"Any time. Say, while you're there, could you go to Kawarou's and pick up some of their hard candy? I miss that stuff something awful. They don't make it as well over here,"

"Sure. Could you put Zetsu on the phone before you hang up?"

"Which half?"

"Doesn't matter."

A few minutes later, one of Zetsu's personalities came on the line.

"Hey, I'm going over to make things up with Temari, but I just wanted you to know, she said that the demon isn't here any longer."

"It isn't? But Sasori said..."

"Yeah, apparently they're trying to cover it up so nobody will know it's gone missing. Apparently some low-lives from Rock made off with it a few years ago."

"Damn it. Well, at least we've got another lead... Good luck with your love life problems."

Itachi smiled. "Yeah, thanks, Zetsu."

* * *

Shikamaru finally came out of the trance he seemed to have been in. "There may be a simple solution to this," he announced.


	12. Temari's One True Love

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 12: Temari's One True Love

A/N: 'Cause this fic's gone on long enough... It's outlived Twirlygigs, which was supposed to be its sister story. There'll be a short epilogue, too.

By the way, this marks my first multi-chapter ItaTem. It makes me happy to see how far this pairing has come in the fanfiction world since I started this. Even though it's still only a handful of people writing and drawing and chatting, it's still a much larger fanbase than we started out with. And it warms my little heart.

* * *

"Got to admit, it was pretty fortuitous that Gaara compiled all these books together in the pantry for us," Kankuro said as he, Temari, and Shikamaru dug through the "library" in search of the key to putting Shikamaru's plan into action.

"Yeah, I never would have guessed that we owned all these," Temari said, blowing the dust off of_ Practical Demonology_.

"I don't understand _why_ you own some of these," Shikamaru muttered, flipping through _Dangerous Liaisons: The Political Ramifications of the Use of Otherworldly Weapons_.

"It's actually pretty simple, Shika-kun," Temari said. "You see, while most parents were stocking up on _1000 Best Baby Names _and_ Dr. Spock's Guide to Child Care_, my mother and father were reading this." She tossed him her book.

* * *

Itachi hadn't apologized to anyone since he was twelve years old, and had never apologized sincerely to anyone in his life, and he didn't really know how to go about it.

So he thought he would go with the convention and take Temari some flowers.

You can't buy flowers in the desert, but Itachi didn't know that when he stepped outside to find a florist.

* * *

"I'm worried about 'Mari-chan," Shukaku said.

Gaara winced. "What about her?"

"She and Shikamaru haven't been behaving."

"What? They seem to be getting along to me."

"Exactly! They're staying friends... and I won't have the power of friendship destroying my plans. Quickly, Gaara, to the Batcave!"

"You mean the "library", right?" Gaara sighed.

"Yes. Now hurry, slave!"

Gaara growled, but he didn't like to disobey his other persona, because Shukaku had too much control over his brain chemistry and could send him on a really bad trip if provoked, so he stalked over to the pantry and threw open the door.

And received the shock of his life, because Shikamaru and Temari were making out inside.

"HA! I TOLD you so!" Shukaku exclaimed proudly. Gaara felt his heart drop to his feet and sit there, pounding erratically. He wasn't sure why it would do this. After all, Shikamaru and Temari were meant to be together, right?

"You were right, Shukaku-sama," Temari purred demurely, gently pushing Shikamaru's leg off her thigh. Gaara wasn't sure if it was her tone or the fact that she was on the bottom, but he had the sudden and disconcerting impression that this wasn't his sister.

"Thank you so much for making me and Shika-kun _so_ happy!" she continued, jumping up and sweeping Shukaku off Gaara's head like a beloved teddy bear. She spun the sandy raccoon around. "We can never repay you for—," Suddenly, she released him, and the demon flew into a wooden cage that he and Gaara hadn't noticed earlier, being busy processing the emergence of Shikamaru and Temari as a couple.

Shikamaru brought his foot down on the cage door, swinging it into place.

"Gotcha, bitch!" Temari yelled triumphantly as the complicated symbols drawn on the bars began to glow red.

Screaming to beat Shukaku's outraged cries, Gaara sank to his knees, but Shikamaru had anticipated this, and Kankuro was prepared to step forward and support him.

"Will he be ok?" Temari asked, watching anxiously as her youngest brother cried in pain.

"The seal was loose enough... it shouldn't kill him," Shikamaru said, but he sounded uncertain.

Kankuro jiggled his brother's arm. "Hey, Gaara, are you dying?" he asked bluntly.

"N-no,"

"He's fine," Kankuro reported.

"What did you do to me?" Gaara whimpered.

"We removed Shukaku, dear," Temari said gently, kneeling next to her brothers. "You're free."

"...free?"

"Yeah, free. You can do anything you–,"

Gaara's head flopped onto his shoulder.

"-want to... like sleep," Kankuro finished wryly.

* * *

"See, a nap and a cookie when he wakes up, and he'll be like a normal boy," Temari whispered, stroking Gaara's hair. She and Kankuro had just finished tucking him into his bed, which they had always known would come in handy someday. It looked like he was going to be out cold for a long time. "And everything pretty much worked out for the best."

"Yeah... and you can get back together with your boy-toy now that he's not after Gaara, right?"

Temari began staring off into space. Her fists clenched the blanket underneath them. "It's a lot more complicated than that, Kankuro."

"What? Is he bad in bed or something?"

"Is that _all_ you think about?" Temari snapped back irritably.

"Well, I mean, what gives? He can't have any interest in Gaara without Shukaku there, and isn't that why you broke up?"

"It's the idea that he _would_ hurt Gaara (or _you_, for that matter) if he had to. It's that he expects me to side with him over you two. That his interests are more important than mine. I can't be with someone who doesn't respect you two, even if just because I love you." She gulped as if clearing a lump out of her throat and bent to kiss Gaara softly on the forehead. "I'll never abandon you. No matter what."

"Whatever. Plenty more fish in the sea, right?" Kankuro shrugged.

* * *

Shikamaru was leaning his back against the desk that didn't quite fit in the pantry. He was supposed to be watching the cage containing Shukaku, but in reality he was simply staring at the ceiling and tuning out Shukaku's requests, pleas, demands, and threats for freedom.

An odd thumping noise made it past his peripheral. He blinked, kicked at Shukaku's cage idly, and told him to behave.

The thumping came again. Shikamaru kicked. "Hey, I told you, shut up."

"HEY! Stop kicking me, you moron!" Shukaku growled. "Why don't you go answer the door like a good boy?"

Shikamaru groaned and kicked open the pantry door as much as he could without shifting his position. "TEMARI! KANKURO! Someone's at the door!" he yelled. "And while you're at it, why don't one of you come down here and watch this damn sand pile for me? I've got to take a leak like nobody's business."

Kankuro showed up a second later. "Geez, don't need to yell," he muttered, picking up a book and sitting down on the desk to read during his turn sitting Shukaku.

"Yeah, yeah," Shikamaru muttered, dashing out the door and to the nearest toilet.

* * *

Itachi had given up on finding flowers after several unsuccessful attempts to either find a florist, or explain what one was to the locals whom he was asking for directions. He was impatient to talk to Temari, and also felt that he probably wouldn't find exactly what he was looking for. So he sat down for a moment and considered what it was about flowers that made them such desirable gifts in order to find a better substitute.

When Temari opened the door, she had a box of tea bags shoved under her nose.

"What the hell?" she muttered, recoiling slightly before looking up at the visitor. "Oh... it's _you_."

Itachi ignored the kunai that materialized in her hand and continued to hold the tea out with both hands, as if it were an offering. "Temari, I–,"

"These aren't the droids you're fucking looking for, so move along," Temari snapped. She wanted to slam the door shut, but she thought it would be safest to keep this criminal in her sights. "And tell your little friends that—,"

Itachi reached out a hand and clamped it over her mouth, not wincing as she brought the blade in her hand against his wrist. She hadn't been joking, he realized as the blood flowed down his sleeve; she wasn't going to show him any mercy. "Look, could you just assume for one moment that I came here to apologize, not to kill you or anyone you care about?"

Temari spat at him after he withdrew his hand. "Yeah, because you're _so_ fucking trustworthy."

"You don't have to accept my apology. You don't even have to drink the tea. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. You're right; your brothers are more important than me. I've told my superiors that the ichibi isn't in Suna, and I'm leaving town tomorrow. I'll make sure we never bother your family again."

Temari still wasn't taking the tea that he was still holding out with his good hand, rather foolishly exposing it to her kunai. It wasn't unexpected. Itachi knew already that she wasn't going to forgive him. But he wouldn't leave her worrying for her little brother. From the Akatsuki, at least, Gaara was safe.

Cautiously, he lowered the tea box and placed it on the doorstep.

"You... you really told them that? You lied to them... for us?" Temari asked.

Itachi nodded and took a step backward. This was it... "Good bye."

It was difficult for him to step away, and he knew that it would be even harder to turn around and let her out of his sight. He wished she would close the door and make things easier, but she didn't. She bent down and picked up the tea box. "That's really sticking your neck out."

Itachi shrugged. "Well, if you care about them enough to threaten an S-rank criminal, I should care enough about them to do this."

With a clatter, the bloody kunai dropped against the step and rolled into the street. She tore open the tea box and sniffed it. "This is my favorite kind."

"Yeah, I know," Itachi said, taking another step back.

Temari suddenly seemed to notice that he was retreating. Or maybe she just suddenly cared. "Are you really leaving?"

"Unless you want me to stay," Itachi shrugged again.

"Then get back here," Temari ordered. Itachi couldn't believe it. It wasn't possible that she had forgiven him. It just wasn't. His hesitation must have shown, because Temari curled a finger at him, beckoning him closer. "I've got something for you, too."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Itachi was standing in the kitchen with Shikamaru and Kankuro, watching Temari make tea. He was also had his hands full with a mid-sized cage that contained the angry and powerless Shukaku.

"This... wasn't exactly the present I was hoping for..." he whispered to himself, peering through the bars at the little sand animal inside. Shukaku tried to scratch out his eyes.

Temari thumped the top of the cage. "Be a good kitty," she ordered.

"I am _not_ a kitty," Shukaku muttered angrily. "And this guy is going to drop me. I'm very concerned."

"Itachi is not going to drop you," Temari said gently, "He's very strong, and if you don't bite him, I'm sure that he'll take good care of you."

"Yeah, until he faints," Shukaku said. "I see him bleeding."

"Bleeding?" Temari asked, taking the cage from Itachi and setting it down on the stove. "Are you bleeding?"

Itachi was about to shake his head, when he remembered the hideous pain in his wrist and raised his arm to examine it. Blood dripped out of his already-saturated sleeve as stared at it. "Oh, yeah, I guess I am... I forgot."

"_Forgot?_" Kankuro and Shikamaru whispered in horror, watching a small red trail follow Itachi as Temari pulled him to the bathroom.

* * *

"So, are you going to take Shukaku back to your little friends?" Temari asked

"Quit calling them that,"

"What? They're your friends, right? They're friendly enough on the phone."

"...yeah, but..." Temari winked at him, but Itachi was focused on the bandage around his wrist. He didn't want to admit that he was shorter than a lot of the other Akatsuki. Not to someone who referred to them as his "little friends". "This is too tight."

"No it's not, not if you want the bleeding to stop. Anyway, are you taking the sand bag home with you or not?"

"Yes. I want to use him to negotiate my retirement."

"You don't get benefits with your evil organization? No pension?"

"Don't be silly... With one of the demons I've fulfilled my obligation to them, and I can spend more time... places I want to be."

"Well, when you're off exploring the world, taking long walks on tropical beaches at sunset, all that, I hope you have time to stop by and visit us. And by us I mean me. And by visit, I mean,"

Itachi's good hand pressed against her mouth. "What did you think I meant by places I want to be?"

* * *

It was Temari's turn to watch Shukaku, and he was getting very sick of her continuous dreamy sighing.

"I suddenly see why you were so against falling in love."

"This is nothing compared to what I'd be doing if I were the subservient little girlfriend you were trying to turn me into with Shikamaru," she smiled back. "So shut up and deal with it."

"What does this red-eyed freak have that Shikamaru doesn't?"

"Red eyes," Temari said.

"No, seriously."

"Shukaku-sama, you shouldn't be so angry... I mean, you set out to help me find my one true love or something cheesy like that,"

"I wanted you to be happy."

"And I am, and it's all because of you," she explained. "If you hadn't brought Shikamaru here, I never would have gone to Starbucks, and I never would have met Itachi. And if we didn't have you, Itachi would never be able to leave the Akatsuki, so I would never be able to see him again. It's really quite amazing how everything worked out." Temari kissed the top of the cage. "You're a very lovely fairy godmother."

Shukaku scuffed at the floor of his cage with a paw. "Aw, shucks, Temari. It was nothing, really."


	13. Epilogue

Fairy Godmother Shukaku

Chapter 13: Epilogue

A/N: I know it's over, but reviews are still very much appreciated!

* * *

"So, I guess you're free to go, Shikamaru," Kankuro said, winking at him. "We've found some other sucker to take Temari off our hands..."

Shikamaru shouldered the strap of his water gourd and stared down the road that lead back to Konoha as Temari punched her brother. "Eh, I'm just glad to be going back home... I bet my dad's sober enough to notice I've been missing by now."

"And you can get back to finding a girlfriend whose family won't kidnap you," Temari smiled.

Shikamaru blushed. "Yeah, something like that."

"Well, you'd better get going," Temari said. "It's not getting any earlier, and you've got a long trip,"

"Yeah, not to mention that we shouldn't leave Itachi, Shukaku, and Gaara alone in the house for very long," Kankuro added. He watched Temari man-hug her friend.

"Bye, Shikamaru! Don't forget to write," she said.

"Yeah, invite me to the wedding, ok?"

"Wedding? What wedding?" Temari said, sticking her nose in the air. "I really don't know what you're talking about."

"Whatever," Shikamaru laughed to himself. "Keep in touch."

"I will."

The three ninjas smiled at each other. It was not such a long journey to Konoha, Kankuro thought. They would see Shikamaru again soon. Which was good. He'd gotten pretty close to his sister's best friend during the whole ordeal.

Close enough, he decided, to justify hugging him once before Shikamaru left.

"Life's going to be pretty boring without you, Shika."

"Come over sometime, ok, Kanky?" Shikamaru told him, hugging back. "We'll play Simpson's Road Rage. It's like Mario Karts and a half."

* * *

The next morning Itachi planned to leave, to take Shukaku back to his evil organization. Gaara was still asleep, and showed no signs of waking up soon. Shikamaru was gone. Shukaku wasn't good company. And Temari... well, she and Itachi really just wanted to be alone. So Kankuro offered to go to Itachi's hotel and pack for him. It beat sitting at home with only an angry demon and a teen couple for company.

It wasn't difficult, really. A true ninja to the bone, Itachi didn't travel with too many possessions. Just a change of clothes and a toothbrush, that kind of thing.

Kankuro shoved the last spare kunai into the Uchiha's pack and thought about maybe jumping on the bed, when the phone rang.

Not knowing what else to do, he answered it.

"Hello. Will you accept a collect call from–,"

"Your fairy god-puppet."

Kankuro stared at the receiver for a moment. "Yes?"

"Hey, Itachi. Just talked to Zetsu... have you apologized yet?"

"This isn't Itachi..." Kankuro said. "I mean, it's his room, he's just not in right now. I'm Temari's brother,"

"Oh. So, they're back together, I take it?"

"Yeah," Kankuro said. "Very back together. He's actually spending the night at our house... do you want the number?"

"Nah, I won't interrupt them... He'd probably be angry."

Kankuro smiled. "If not him, then definitely Temari."

The man on the phone laughed. "Yeah, and I wouldn't want to call her wrath down on you. Well, when he's more accessible, could you tell him that Sasori called?"

Kankuro's knees felt weak. He could hardly believe his ears. "Sa-Sasori?" he gasped. "Sasori of the Red Sand? The most powerful, revolutionary puppetmaster since- since- since... since puppeteering? _The_ Sasori?"

"Well, if you want to put it that way, I guess... yeah, as a matter of fact."

Kankuro fainted.

* * *

Itachi was fairly certain that he had never been happier. And if he had been, he didn't want to know about it. Had anything in his life ever worked out so perfectly? Or... He watched Temari's chest rise and fall as she slept next to him. Maybe his entire life had simply been building up to this.

"Itachi?"

Itachi started as Temari opened one eye. "Hmm?"

"Go to sleep," she ordered bluntly. "You've got a long walk tomorrow."

Sighing, Itachi shifted his position so he was lying down more completely. Temari turned slightly to grab his arm, the wounded one, and pull it around her shoulder. "I love you..."

"I love you, too," Itachi whispered. In a few minutes, she heard his breath steady, as though he had fallen asleep.

Temari smiled to herself. Lulled by the sounds of Gaara snoring in the room down the hall and Shukaku hissing and shrieking in the closet they had locked him in, she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Final A/N: That's all, folks.

As always, thanks for sticking with me on this story... it was very... experimental for me. Also, as you might have been able to tell, I didn't have it plotted at all, which is rare, for me. So I'm just proud that it's a little coherent.

Lovelove:

-Kallie


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